11 Ways a Man Can Screw Up a First Date
04. Aug, 2009 
33 Comments
The first date is one of the most important, for obvious reasons. The better you do on the first date the more likely there will be a second and third to follow.
I asked a bunch of my women to really think long and hard about the men they have dated in the past and the errors they made that turned them off.
After lots of discussion, I have put together a list of top 11 Ways A Man Can Screw Up A First Date.
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11 Ways A Man Can Screw Up A First Date
I don’t expect y’all are sitting around wondering how to screw up a first date, and yet I have been on quite a few first dates, and many of them were screwed up. Sure, it’s funny the next day when I’m telling my friends, but while the sordid episode is unfolding, it doesn’t seem funny at all. So, in the interest of reducing future dismal dates, I’ve made a list of things not to do on your next first date. Please, read it carefully, and DO NOT…
1. Arrive in a car full of junk
This should be a no-brainer, and yet it happens again and again. I remember a date whose steering wheel was spattered with what looked like dry white paint. The guy explained that it was because every time he drank milk, he sneezed. Ewwwwww!!!!
2. Appear too nervous
It’s all right to be considerate on a first date; it’s recommended. But don’t bend over backwards, don’t try so hard you end up sweating, and don’t forget that you are the host and your date will be happy to follow your lead. No need to be insecure—she agreed to go out with you, right?
3. Choose a bad restaurant or venue
Oh boy. Make sure the place you take your date isn’t sleazy, noisy, or miles away in heavy traffic. Keep it simple. Most women of any age would be happy at a small Italian place for a first date. The important thing is that you are able to converse without too much distraction. Save your favorite punk bar for a later time, when you know each other better.
4. Appear fussy while interacting with servers
Just order the grilled salmon and move on! Don’t interview the server on the provenance of the arugula. Don’t send anything back unless it has a rat in it, and a live one at that.
5. Name drop or brag about accomplishments
If a woman likes you, she likes you for who you are. You don’t need to make flimsy connections between yourself and Bruce Willis’s ex-nutritionist to get a date’s attention. Talk instead about what you enjoy doing, what you’ve done recently that’s slightly out of the ordinary (river rafting, wine country tours, etc.).
6. Forget to ask questions
Don’t forget that your date is a person too. Yes, even though she is a female, she has a brain very much like yours and a heart and soul, too. She’d like a chance to tell you about herself. If she likes you, she’ll be talking partly to make a connection, so be sure to respond when she hits a nerve in a good way.
7. Speak ill of past dates, girlfriends, or wives
It doesn’t matter how astoundingly unpleasant your ex was, your current date doesn’t want to know about it. She’ll instantly put herself in your ex’s shoes and feel some female solidarity. So, dissing your ex is dissing all women is dissing your date. Got it?
8. Ogle other women or watch TV
You’d think this would go without saying, but it doesn’t. Don’t ogle. I mean, if Angelina Jolie walks by, you aren’t expected to ignore her. But your expression when you return your gaze to your date should be of bemusement or confusion, not unfettered lust! And if your team is playing on the TV at the pub, please do not watch it. Please. (Note that this suggestion can be ignored if your date is a fan. In that case, you’ve hit the jackpot. Change seats, order a pitcher, and enjoy the game!)
9. Ask her if she wants to have children
You might be conditioned to believe that all women want to marry–that they are desperate, in fact. But it ain’t so. So if you think you can score faster by talking serious relationship on the first date, think again. If you really must know whether she wants to have children one day, I can only suggest that you bring it up early in a joking manner, adding “I always say that on the first date; I find it breaks the tension,” or something.
10. Agree to split the tab
If you asked her out, you pay. Even if you didn’t ask her out you pay. Don’t let her trick you either by offering to pay her share. This is where woman’s lib does not come into a play. PAY!
11. Not try for a kiss goodnight, or more…
Yes, you should try for a kiss. There are many ways to signal a desire to give a peck. You can ask, for example. “May I kiss you good night?” might work. If she says “no,” just smile and thank her for a great evening. If she says “yes,” take it moment by moment. Failure to at least try for something is going to make you look like a wimp, or worse, make her think you don’t like her. So risk rejection and make a little move. She’ll appreciate it if she’s into you, and if she isn’t, well, you’ll find out fast!
To review, this was not a “how to” list…it was a list of eleven ways to wreck a first date. Review it carefully before your next one. Above all, remember that women are people too. But things that please your manly friends (noisy bars, bodily noises, wisecracks about other women) don’t work on us. I hope you can put these eleven rules in play and have a good first date…or eleven!
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Stay single. don’t date and save your ass from all these.
I guess that could be an easy way out!
I’m confused about #11. Maybe I’m slow at getting things going, but kissing on the first date? Really? I mean, this is the first time you’re seeing this person and then you kiss? Could you please explain this one further winggirl?
Of course. If your date is going well I would seal it with a wonderful first kiss at the end of the night. Not really much more to explain. A kiss is a symbol of common interest.
I’ve heard that a coffee shop like Starbucks is a good place for a first meeting/ date… Whats a woman’s point of view on that? First date… talking and coffee… what does that say about a guy if he takes her there.? Cool? Lame?
Nope it says he wants simple and clean and he likes coffee.
I usually do not suggest taking a woman out for dinner on a first date unless you are sure you want to invest the time and money in her.
Coffee is simple. If you like the women you can stay for hours. If not then the date as done as soon as you can gulp your coffee.
I disagree about paying especially with how things are. Old fashion values are great to a certain degree but the “typical nice guy” wounds up paying for the date and comes off as desperate or too nice. The date should be easy going and if a woman expects her meal to be paid for she has issues she needs to work out. It doesnt work that way anymore. Keep your value up high.
I disagree. If I went on a date and he allowed me to pay for dinner that would be a major red flag. I am not a gold digger but I would frown upon it. He asks me out he should pay. Unless I was totally into the guy it would probably be our last date.
Having said that I am fully behind women paying or splitting after the first date. Once you establish a connection it is then time to treat one another.
“He asks me out he should pay.”
You forget, though, that women almost never ask a man out. So “He asks me out he should pay” means, 99% of the time he should pay. If the man doesn’t ask her out, there’s no date. So why punish him for having to make the first move?
Your view here is very old-fashioned, Marni. You’re sponsoring always having to have the man make the first move about dating, and always having him pick up the check. I agree that in today’s times and the freedom that some men are exerting against these structures, this old-fashioned rule needs to be revisited.
Salaries might not be exactly equal, but a lot of women are making at least as much as men in comparable positions, and many are making more. What about the female banker who ends up on a date with a garage mechanic, because he asked her out? Assuming such a thing would ever happen, of course.
Although, it does.
That’s an extreme example, but even when the salaries are equal, it shouldn’t just be assumed that the guy is going to pay. That also promotes “damsel in distress” behavior on the woman’s part.
What men do in the pickup community is challenge their long-held beliefs about their role in society, and they often grow greatly for it. They break out of the predefined roles and enter into exciting new lives.
You ought to try the female version of this. You’re very, very far from that, and your own willingness to experiment will only help you be better qualified to give dating advice to men.
It doesn’t mean you become a “slut.” It means you experiment with female roles and break out of the traditional ones. I don’t see any evidence that you’ve done any of this. When you’re talking to guys who have put years into suffering through the agonizing learning process of social dynamics, getting rejected over and over again only to find out who they are, and develop a stronger sense of themselves, then how in the world do you expect to be taken seriously if you’ve never gone through a parallel “pain period”?
Good luck. Here’s a prescription for you: Go out to the top clubs in any town, go up to the highest-value men in those clubs, begin talking to them, and see what happens. From a woman’s perspective it may go differently, since you’ll likely get a decent amount of acceptance because that’s a relatively novel thing. But you’ll get your share of rejection. You’ll get approach anxiety, and you’ll likely experience all the things guys do. Now, _that_ will give you a base from which to teach guys about what they’re feeling and what they should try. Just “being a woman” is not enough. You need to experience what a man experiences.
Steve
I’ll take the gender roles as they are, thank you. I’m happy being a man, even in today’s society. I like the fact that I can approach. I also kind of like the fact that women will not approach, because it means more of them for me (since other guys don’t approach much either).
I stay out of bars and clubs though. I don’t drink, I don’t like drunk people, and chance are the girls I could really be into aren’t there.
Also, we can do what we want on first dates!
Anyway, that’s my take.
Suggest you both read the work of Warren Farrell.
lol IT IS hard to meet nice girls in clubs. Usually the girls I meet in clubs are kinda shady. Not the type you would want to have a relationship with, but there are a few nice ones every once in a while. Most of the time it is either there are no girls you want to talk to or the ones who want to talk to you you definitely dont want to talk to LOL. That and it is hard to approach girls even when you know they are dancing purposely trying to get you to watch *sigh*. The hardest part for me is not really caring about possible rejection from her its just that the whole club will see it
I agree with Marni tho above when you said you should pay for the first date. After that try and let her understand your financial situation. Personally I am a college student and it is definitely unrealistic for me to pay for EVERYTHING but even if I wasnt in college I think there should be some sort of splitting of tabs after the first date. (haha this reminds me of that HIMYM episode today-”double date”)
I agree with Marni on this. I do NOT think Marni is telling us guys to drop a wad of cash on the girl early on. She IS telling us to be chivalrous.
The idea is to plan a fun first date that doesn’t involve a lot of money. What we really want to be showing the girl: “Hey, I’m a fun guy. I can lead you to a good time. When you’re with me you’re safe. Stick with me and you’ll like where you’ll end up.”
Think about it: Her reptilian brain is asking: ‘If I get knocked up by this guy and am out of commission for 9 months and then a few years after that taking care of our baby, what will happen to me?’
The gender roles will truly be equal when we get pregnant. And as much as I think I want kids someday, I am NOT willing to become pregnant myself. So I’ve accepted the trade-off.
Let me be more specific than my comment above.
Start with Warren Farrell’s “Why Men Are the Way They Are.” Written in the late 80′s, still relevant today. Shocker of a book. Details men’s roles vis-a-vis men and women. You’ll see yourself in every page.
His more recent books are supposed to be excellent too, continuing along that line: “The Myth of Male Power,” “Why Men Earn More” — exposes the myth of “unequal pay for equal work” — and the most recent book, a debate.
As a “feminist” in the 70′s, when he published his first book (“The Liberated Man”) — he was also the only male board member of N.O.W. — he would hold male beauty pageants, where he’d have guys parade across the stage and get ranked by women on the basis of their looks, physique, etc. It was meant to show men what it felt like to be objectified like this. Very, very popular.
But then he embarked on men’s issues when he got disillusioned with the women’s movement, and that’s when he started the really controversial stuff in the late 80′s. Even earlier, after the male beauty pageants, he would try to do the same role-reversal exercise with women, inviting women to approach men and risk one of the “152 types of rejection” that men experience from women from the moment of eye contact until first intercourse (he identified that many types). The women refused.
He also advocated the right of men to have an “abortion” too, of sorts — if a woman decided to bear an unwanted child, the man could “abort” by refusing child support payments. By the same token, if a woman planned to abort a child that the man wanted, he could veto her right of abortion and compel her (legally) to carry the child to term.
Very controversial stuff, I think you’d agree. I’m not sure I’d go along with the idea of forcing a woman to bear the child — that seems a bit extreme — but his ideas are extremely potent.
In the book on equal pay, he shows that there are factors that, when weighed into the equation, show that, all other things being equal, women actually make *more* than men for doing the same work. He also shows that part of the reason for perceived inequity is that women often refuse to make the sacrifices that men are willing to make in order to make more money — longer hours, more difficult work, higher-risk jobs, etc. E.g., 24 of the 25 most dangerous jobs are almost exclusively held by men.
His work actually led to some changes. Fathers have more rights than they used to, in child custody cases. Used to be, the child *always* went to the mother, no questions asked.
It’s interesting that his first controversial book (“Why Men Are…”) was written about the same time as Ross Jeffries’ first book, which spelled out the early version of his “Speed Seduction” system. RJ’s work was very manipulative, whereas Farrell’s work was strongly based in sociology and the political environment of male/female issues.
But seriously, if you think pickup theory is radical, you ought to read this guy’s stuff. It really will mess with your mind. If nothing else, read the reviews on the book sites — they’re very entertaining, and they do reflect how controversial the stuff is. Usually people either love him or hate him. Guys are ready to appoint him king, and women either hate his guts or grit their teeth and acknowledge he’s right.
I’m not trying to sell the guy. I’m just saying, look at this as a different perspective on gender roles.
Steve
11 seems to be a “premature” ending. Let’s take it a little further and add a number 12.
12. Over accommodating her by being too nice and agreeing with every statement, in hopes she will like you more. Big mistake there. I’m not into fighting but finding a topic you might have two different opinions on can lead to some great discussions. I’m not talking about bringing up the war in Iraq or the state of the economy in our country, so it should be kept simple and fun. After all it is a first date.
Showing a woman respect on her opinions is a marvelous trait for a man to have but in no way does it mean to bend at her every opinion such as her not liking what you decided to order.
100% agree with peter. Never do this for a woman, a man, anybody.
It isn’t a question of social issues it’s just how to behave if you like a woman and want her to like you. Only a hardcore feminist would be offended if you offered to pay for a meal; and it is best to find that out up front and see if you can get along.
The best sex is with a woman?
If a guy doesnt take me out someplace nice, like a good restaurant, I assume he is going to bring the same lame half-assed attitude to his relationship. Dont even think about a date at Starbucks! High-quality women will not give you a second date if you go there. And I am creeped out by guys who start getting grabby on the first date, so first date kisses are out of the question. I am far from a golddigger but I do believe that men who are stable, reliable longterm partners take the financial initiatives at the beginning of the relationship. A guy who doesnt pay gets put in the loser pile and women dont think twice about him. And the guy who gets too grabby makes u wonder if he is one of those men who think women are sex objects. I want a guy who is sexual and passionate, but not some sex-addict creep.
Sameena, I hear you on the too grabby part but I have to disagree with the “needs to take you to a good restaurant”. Is that really a deal breaker for you. I want you to dig a little deeper and think. If a guy you were totally into said to you let’s grab a coffee and get to know one another, would you be totally over him? Probably not.
I’m with a great guy at the moment. For our first date he took me to a place that makes icecream in the shop, and we ate cones while walking along the beach. It was great and so different. Much nicer than a normal (read boring) dinner and a movie. It probably only cost him $20 all up too.
Hey Susan
I love how you enjoyed a ‘budget’ but different date: romance definitely has got a lot more to do with having an enjoyable time, rather than an expensive one
Good luck with your keeper,
Marni
Good stuff, thanks!
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