Do-Able vs. Date-Able, What Do Women Want?
Do-Able vs. Date-Able, What Do Women Want?
For me it’s dark, vibey hair. That’s the first thing that catches my twinkling, single eyes when I walk into a bar, film event, concert, whatever. Maybe it was working in the music industry or spending a lot of time in granola Santa Cruz, but guys with shaggy-ish hair you can run your fingers through, like Adrian Grenier or Brandon Boyd, make my heart p-p-pump in a, “How YOU doin’?” kind of way. I can’t help it, that’s just my type…or
what I’m INITIALLY attracted to at first glance.
But does this mean my future husband has to rock the “I don’t have to shower or cut my shag-alicious hair because I’m a rock star” look? Absolutely not…no matter how fabulous my dreams of shocking the pressed pants off my more buttoned-up, east coast relatives are.
You see just because the dark, brooding artsy types top my “Do-able” list doesn’t mean I want to have three hour “hipster” conversations or vibey babies with them. In fact, I have tried to date some and in reality a lot of these guys are notorious commitment-phobic players. I have found that a lot of these guys don’t conform to society’s standards—of grooming, career, etc.—for a reason. In other words, these guys are totally “Do-able,” but not totally “Date-able.” Go ahead and kiss…YUM…then run-walk away…
So who is this “Date-able” guy?
To be “Date-able” there has to be some kind of physical pull, but there also must be something more to keep one interested—whether it’s a killer sense of humor, a shared passion for the high art of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, or simply the promise of not being a douche. It means you actually want to spend DAY time with the person, not just make- out time. It means you look forward to introducing the person to your friends without fear that said friends will suddenly “forget” to invite you lovebirds to every social function. It’s simple, really. The same things that make guys want to get to know a girl
POST-beer goggles make us want to get to know you post-Pinot Grigio-goggles.
Think about it…
Most every hetero male has at one time been mesmerized by the stunning Heidi Klum look-a-like with a 2.0 GPA shaking her micro mini on the bar…but that doesn’t mean they all want to take her home to mom or even pay for a first-date dinner at Koi. I mean, does she even eat? Can you talk to her about your embarrassing passion for John Grisham novels? Would she ever dare wear snow pants—the kind you can actually stay out in -15 degree weather for hours on cross-country skis? Of course that doesn’t mean you and Heidi can’t have a noteworthy night (or ten!) in the sack (no judgments here, my friends) and part ways before the morning hours where no doubt she eats Camel Lights for breakfast. Just don’t kid yourself if you try to date Heidi and are suddenly inspired to stab yourself with the salad fork every time she responds to a question with, “Huh?”
And “Groom-able”?
That’s the Holy Grail of “Date-able.” It rarely comes around more than a handful of times a lifetime. In order to reach “Groom-able” status a girl not only has to love spending day and night time with you…she has to want to live with you. Forever. Till smelly gym shirts do us part. She has to trust you. And not be grossed out by the idea of procreating with you (or not…kids aren’t for everyone…again, no judgments!). She has to introduce you to her family and hope you don’t turn them into Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” in the process (no matter how fun that might be).
So next time you meet a girl you actually want to date, remember…there has to be something more than a cute face or witty opener to keep her interested. The same standards you look for in a “Date-able” girl are pointed right back at you. So just be yourself. If you guys actually date she’ll get to know the real you, anyway, so why not figure out if this is worth pursuing right away?
And please guys, start conversations, not lines. Or save those for the Heidi’s…they’re probably too dense to realize how lame you sound or at least you won’t be around the next day when they finally figure it out.
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By Wing Girl Tricia
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Great advice here. It’ always should be more than looks. Sure, it should be understood that the woman you’re attracted to is good-looking. Now that that’s out of the way, you can focus on what else she has to offer. For me, there are plenty of “Do-able,” but very few “Date-able” women.
And funny enough, I’ve noticed that the “Do-able” Heidis will be more likely to fall for a line than the more “Date-able” women. It’s a test within itself.
Just some random thoughts.
Wingman I love the random thoughts keep em coming. I actually had an interview yesterday with Dr. Benjamin Karney from the UCLA Relationship Institute that addresses you last thought. For men being and the women they select to be “Do-Able” is easy to find. Being “Date-Able” is much more difficult. We also discuss women’s thoughts on this as well.
That audio will be coming out next week and it is awesome!
I can totally get what wingman is saying. And to take this topic off on a tangent, I have to say that the media gives women the wrong idea as what ‘doable/datable’ really is.
–I have to be attracted to her physically, but I’ve been physically attracted to the curvy types with a nose that’s a little crooked, just as I have been to the willowy blonde types. I tend to NOT find the girls in the SI Swimsuit issue that attractive! (Although any woman who shows enough skin can be hot, I suppose.) Don’t sweat the 5 pounds, because I sure won’t. Huge points for me if she is athletic.
–If she happens to be friendly and welcoming when I approach her, that is a huge plus. She will be able to give lots of positive feminine energy. Here’s how I see it: I provide her excitement, protection and security, she provides me emotional support and lift.
–And I like it when she has a purpose. It doesn’t have to be huge, but something.
Anyway, this is my take…
Michael you are awesome!
Excellent article! Always nice to see it from a woman’s POV. Now that you have confirmed that I easily fit in to both categories of Do-Able and Dateable, I just need to get past my sticking of point of meeting women who have served time as patients in an in-patient mental health facility… or at least belong there.
OG
Oh dear! Are you seriously interacting with crazies or is this something in you that you bring out in women?
Ok I want to be do-able. I read the article and all I got out of it was that
I have to have shaggy hair ?? Question : To be a do-able man, the email said that women have ‘higher standards’ than the dateable man…
So I know YOU like shaggy hair. But to be ‘do-able’ .. what should a man do?
A man who is doable does not have to show how reliable he is or that he comes from a good family. He needs to show that he is exciting and by exciting I do not mean a daredevil with a motorcycle. I mean someone who can confidently offer a sexual option. Peter, if you want to know more detain on how to become a do-able man contract me, Marni at marni@winggirlmethod.com.
Hahahahah.
That’s funny because I’ve always been the doable guy and I have that exact same hair and everything. And I refuse to date or have any commitment. I think you mean more than just kiss though.
An interesting post. What fascinates me is the continued assumption that “almost any woman is do-able to a man.” Not true for me and many of the men I know. Yes, I notice an attractive woman. I also notice a striking flower. I keep wondering when society will wake up to the fact that both men and women run the spectrum from “easy do-able and selective date-able” to “do-able only if date-able plus”. Each of us choose where on the spectrum we are in each situation. That men’s choices cluster at one end and women’s choices cluster at the other in my experience is a fallacy. If my sense is that a woman won’t meet me fully in open, playful, and passionate “doing” I will walk away. So will many men I know.