Do Women Have Impossible Dating Standards?

Here’s a question from Joe:

“Hey Marni, I don’t know if you ever saw the move Up in the Air, but there is a scene in which Anna Kendrick’s character talks about what she wants in a guy.

I feel like women have these impossible lists of what they want that no man can ever satisfy so they end up alone and bitter later in life.”

If you haven’t seen the movie, then take a look at the clip below:

Ok, so there IS a certain element of truth to that scene.

In general, when we’re younger we’re going to have higher more superficial expectations about what we want in a guy than we will later in life. That’s because we don’t really know ourselves that well yet and are hyper focused on how others view us.

As we get older, this strong desire to appease others starts to fade and our expectations of men shift.

But there’s a very good reason for this.

In our 20’s we get a lot of attention. We have more options to choose from, therefore we’re going to be pickier with our choice.

The same way that a tall, muscular, rich, funny, successful man is going to have higher standards for the woman he dates than a man who has none of those things.

Plus, when we’re growing up we imagine the perfect life we’ll someday be living. The perfect husband, kids and job. We want to have it all.

Like Anna Kendrick’s character says about her man ‘fitting the bill’, we have a mental checklist of everything our perfect guy “should” be without realizing that this expectation is most likely not possible.

When we are younger, we believe that other humans have the ability to be flaw free and perfect. Therefore, we don’t want to settle for anything less than that, because we’re sure that guy is out there somewhere just waiting for us.

However, as we get older and actually get some life experience under our belts, then our expectations tend to change. We get more realistic and less stuck on the “picture” of perfection.

We’ll have met enough men and been in enough relationships to realize that perhaps the perfect man we dreamed up doesn’t actually exist.

And that the things we thought were crucial to having a happy relationship, maybe aren’t as important after all.

That’s why in the clip, Vera Farmiga’s character responds the way she does. She can recognize her past self in this younger woman, having also had impossibly high standards and deadlines to achieve it all.

Instead, she’s more realistic and grounded in what she wants in a man. That’s why she says, “By the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements go out the window.”

Now that doesn’t mean by this age women don’t find good looking guys attractive.

It just means there are other things we have learnt are more important in a relationship. Hence her example of a great guy being one who isn’t an asshole and wants kids.

Many women eventually discover that what we think we want and what makes us happy are two different things.

In college we might dream of dating the hot and popular guy who every girl wants. But once we actually date him, if he doesn’t fulfil our other needs then his looks and popularity soon lose their appeal pretty quickly.

So the superficial qualities we desired in our youth get cast aside for qualities of more substance.

Joe also raised the point that he feels most women end up alone and bitter later in life, because of high standards. I don’t think this is the case for most women.

Ultimately we’re just looking for a man that we connect with, treats us with kindness and who we can have fun with. A man who makes us feel good and accepts us for who we really are.

Most women I know would be more than happy to settle down with a man who ticks all of those boxes.

The trouble is, most guys DON’T know how to do these things.

They don’t know how to make us feel the way we want to feel around a man.

So when we turn these men down, they attribute it to things like not being good looking enough, not being rich enough, or not being fill-in-the-blank-with-any-excuse enough.

None of those things matter when you know how to make us FEEL attracted to you.

One way to do that is to hear directly from a woman’s mouth exactly what it is she wants. That’s why I gathered together over 50 beautiful and intelligent women to reveal how to be the man she can’t say no to.

It’s called What’s Inside A Woman’s Mind: Secrets Women Will Never Tell You and you can check it out by clicking here.

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  • Scott

    In the big picture this creates problems for the younger guys that aren’t in top few percent of men in their age group they basically have to go through their young years and sexual prime when it’s time to experiment and have fun without affection from attractive women this in turn breeds lack of confidence as well as some resentment and it’s basically an up hill battle, then as they get older and improve themselves the women in their age group aren’t as attractive as they once were so they miss the experience of dating and sleeping with attractive women at their peak (of course they can go younger but this frowned upon by society). Also the a guy wants to feel that his woman really wants him not just that she chose him through lack of options, he wants to feel out of the choice of many attractive she’d still chose him, and he also wants to be the guy she has great sexual desire for rather than just a relationship partner, just like a woman wants to feel that out of all the sexy women he still chose her, not that she was just the realistic option. Then of course young men also have really high standards at that age especially in terms of physical preferences as well. Now there are exceptions of course such as the guy who isn’t the hottest or with the in crowd that just has an awesome vibe/energy with sexiness and just know’s how to make women feel awesome and sexy round him and genuinely enjoy’s the company of females, the women that have these unrealistic lists probably haven’t met a guy like this yet and even a young girl will forget all about her list if she meets this fascinating man. This is what marni talks about when she mentions a guys energy changes the perception of his physical appearance and since women are intuitive and feel vibes if some one is projecting this sexy charisma enough it can felt before they even laid eyes on him. (example being the short bald guy who once picked Marni up, from how she told that story it was almost like she felt something that made her turn in the direction he was coming). PS I’ve been learning from various people and blogs including the intangibles.

    • John Smith

      Women will never want you the way you want women.
      Just be thankful they keep high standards for looks on men until they reach their prime and aren’t like you, keeping a high standard for looks on women your entire life.

  • Nejc

    Do Women Have Impossible Dating Standards? Yes, they have. Period.

    • John Smith

      Date men. Hang with the superior crowd.

  • yavuz

    Never listen to womens advice, on dating other women.. its like saying dont ask the fish but you should ask the fisher

    • John Smith

      Except the fish is trying its best not to get caught.
      Completely different things.
      Don’t gaslight your fellow men with crap to diminish competition.

  • BillK

    Watching clips like this used to depress me. Why? Because I’d see (and read) time and time again how by the time they were in their 30s, women were just looking for someone who treated them well, who was kind, had a job and a car and just relatively “normal” (a minimum of felonies, not an alcoholic, etc.)

    But the reality is… by the time they’re the age of Vera Farmiga above, they still have their lists, will not ACTUALLY be attracted to the man they state they are looking for, and whether due to genetics or not if the bad boy and the nice guy are in the same room will fall for the bad boy every time.

    Marni’s programs do give some reasons for that, and her advice is correct about it, but it doesn’t change the fact that Vera’s sitting next to George Clooney as she tells Anna Kendrick that. I can’t blame them – a lot of men would not even notice other women the same age as Heidi Klum in the same room with her. The thing is, most men would admit to it; women stick to what they SAY they want, but in reality, act quite differently.

    In short, the qualities Vera lists are what women apply to a guy they ALREADY turns them on; if you think you can be desirable being the person women SAY they want, you are guaranteed to be sitting home alone every night. Marni’s advice helps address that, but it’s a simple fact of nature that if you’re not already better than average looking, you can be everything Marni’s programs tell you to be and you’ll never get a response on Match, POF or OKCupid, and very rarely will get a date with someone you talk to in person.

    That doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless, it means it’s still a numbers game and if you only had a 1/500 women success rate before, it gets that much more difficult as women get older as, in a very real sense, many of the good ones ARE taken.

    • John Smith

      Not the place where to submit a crappy manuscript.
      Men cut to the chase without babbling.

      • BillK

        It IS cut to the chase, but sometimes men like some explanation, otherwise there would never be a need for a sports “color commentator” and ESPN SportsCenter would just be a scrolling list of scores.

  • Reed Schrichte

    “hyper focused on how others view us.”
    What I’ve concluded is that you cannot ask women what they want. If you try to follow her, not only will you be going up a dead-end street, she will lose respect for you. You just have to tell her where you are going, and if she wants, she can ride along, of course with every respect for her comfort and care and her NEEDS not her WANTS. If she doesn’t want to go where you are going, shake her hand and walk away. The primary question then becomes: where are you going?

  • AndThisIsWhyUsGoodMenAreSingle

    Well first of all which it does really take two to tango today since most of the women of today unfortunately have changed for the worst of all unfortunately since they’re very much to blame anyway for this mess. And now with so many women that have their careers which they’re very pathetic altogether since they will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less either since it is all about them now. Most women nowadays are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, very picky, narcissists, and very money hungry as well too. Most of these type of women are damaged goods anyway since they like sleeping around with all kinds of different men since they will even take advantage of men that have money since the great majority of the women today are nothing but users and losers altogether now as well. So it is very impossible for many of us very good innocent men to meet a good honest woman that isn’t like this at all today since many of us men Aren’t to blame either. Unfortunately a very bad time for us men trying to find real love today since this isn’t the good old days anymore since Most of the women back then were the very Best of all compared to the ones that are out there today. Now i can really see why our family members had it so very Easy finding real love in those days since Most women were very Normal back then as well which certainly Helped a lot. And now you have these very Stupid Reality TV Shows as well as Social Media that has really Corrupted many of these women too since they really Don’t even have No Respect for us men at all. It has certainly become so very Dangerous for many of us men trying to talk too a woman these days since they will even be very Nasty with us men and walk away. I will certainly say that the women years ago really did put these Loser women today to real shame as well.

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