How To Be A Woman’s Hero
12. Aug, 2010 
10 Comments
"What's Wrong", "NOTHING"....
“Nothing” is the worst word a man can possibly hear coming out of a woman’s mouth. “What’s wrong”, “NOTHING”. But it doesn’t have to be.
I want to tell you what this “Nothing” really means, why we say it and how it has NOTHING to do with you. If you can learn how to handle the “NOTHING” with class, comfort and ease you will be a woman’s hero for life!
I will explain it by using an email that I received from one of my Insider Club Members, E.
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Email From E:
Hey Marni,
I’m curious about something.
When you can see that something is a woman’s mind or is troubling her. When you ask her, is something wrong or what’s on her mind? Females usually say ” Its nothing”.
But my gut feeling is that: “nothing” = something she’s not wanting to tell you. If I’m right Marni, what is the best way to handle that situation? or should I just let it go? What’s really happening here?
My Response:
E,
Ah the dreaded “Nothing”, a statement I have made oh so many times. This “Nothing” is actually quite loaded, but not in the way you think. I have heard many men label this as a “test” or a way for women to manipulate. It is neither. What it actually is, is a statement stemming from discomfort.
“Nothing” means either “You should know and I can’t believe you don’t” or “I am mad at myself for being this mad about X and need your help calming down. I don’t want to be this upset, but I am”. Both come from a place of caring about you, feeling alone and discomfort. Both should be handled in the same way.
Let me step back up for a minute and tell you something about women. Women tend to “think” they are in control at all times. They also aim to be an ideal woman, especially in the eyes of the man they are seeing. When they get into situations where they begin to feel “less than ideal” it creates anxiety. Anxiety that is uncontrollable and sooooo uncomfortable.
When she is seemly sitting and stewing, this is the moment where you can be a woman’s hero OR you can be her punching bag. Ultimately this choice is up to you because it’s really in your control, not hers.
If you wish to be the punching bag, engage her defensively and tell her that what is feeling is irrational/crazy/unacceptable. No good. Get’s you nowhere but the dog house for a full week.
If you wish to be a woman’s HERO, stay strong, listen, be patient and understand that it’s not ABOUT YOU. Next, you engage her in a warm way. Not defensive, not attacking and not AFRAID. The last one is most important. If you show any indication that you are afraid or that for one minute you are thinking in your head “this chicks crazy” game over 
You say to her “I can tell something is bothering you and I want to talk about with you”. And then you LISTEN to her.
If she still does not budge you say “listen, I want you to be comfortable telling me things. If I have done something to upset you, I want to know so that I can try to not do it again.” Give her a hug if needed.
If she still sticks with the huffing and puffing, that is when you have to have a boundary and you say to her “I can tell something is wrong but I am not going to push it out of you. I will be in the other room and when you are ready to talk, I will be ready to listen to you.” and then leave.
Most likely she will calm down and eventually work up the courage to speak with you. Still be strong, patient and understanding and LISTEN to what she is saying. These are her feelings, they are not meant to hurt you or attack you. They are meant to show you what she is feeling so that you can grow together.
Sometimes in relationships, your partner can make mistakes or they can have a moment of weakness. These are the most important times to show her you still care and can handle her imperfections. If you handle these situations with class and calmness, these situations will happen fewer and farther between and you truly will be a woman’s hero. Trust me!
Marni
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Situations like the one described above can either hurt a couple of bring them closer together. Next time you encounter the “NOTHING” situation with the girl your dating, take it as a compliment. Seriously. Understand that she cares about you enough to feel stress, anxiety and discomfort over you. If she didn’t care about you and if she was not invested, then these things would not matter to her.
Do you have questions about women that you have always wanted an answer to? Do you want to know why women do the things they do and how to stop them from doing them to you?
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Marni,
Great article.
I have been in similar situations like this as well. I would talk to a girl, and I could see by her facial expression that something was wrong. When I ask her: “What’s on your mind?You seem pissed off”. She would say:”Ugh, I am literally LOST here, but nevermind, I don’t want to push my life’s problems on to you”,
In the past I would tell her: “Hey….(looking in to her eyes)…you can trust me”. That did not work. It came across as me kissing up to her.
When I heard the same thing again, I would completely ignore it, and tell myself it’s her issue, not mine, therefore I won’t try to solve it. Well, that did not help either.
My question is:
How does a guy become the hero of a woman, whom she connects with and feels attraction for, without falling into the “Good friend listener” zone, assuming the guy and the woman are not in a relationship together?
I don’t want you to become the shoulder to cry on for a woman. If you set yourself in this position in the beginning, it’s only down hill to friend zone from there.
I want to take a step back for a second. Where are you talking to this girl that she is suddenly “off and lost”. Probably not a good place to get a girl into when first interacting with her. I know that if I were to say that to a new guy I was meeting it would mean “I’m trying to be nice by listening to you and also trying to figure out how to break away from the conversation”. I need a larger picture of this scenario.
But for women who are in “moods”, what you can do is lead them out of this mood, rather than digging deeper.
Use your imagination and go back to times when you had this situation and provide me 3 ways you think you could do this!
Marni,
What do you mean by: Where are you talking to this girl that she is suddenly “off and lost”.
I have never had this happen on the first interaction. Usually her “LOST” situation has do to whith her mood.
( Family problems/relationship problems).
Since digging deeper does not seem like a good Idea.
Situation #1: She seems “Lost” and does not want to talk about her problems. She changes the subject herself and we talk about other topics, such as hobbies,passions, etc.
Situation #2:
If she did start talking about her problems, and it had anything to do with her boyfriend. I would cut her off and suggest her politely to talk about that subject with her girlfriends. Then I would lead her to do activities with me, depending on my surroundings.
If I am at the gym. I suggest we do some cardio together and see who can run the fastest on the treadmill.
If I am at a shopping mall, I suggest we go try on some clothes, even if we don’t buy anything.
Etc.
Situation#3:
Suggest that when she is ready, I am all ears. Then use my surroundings for new conversation topics
Hi Marni,
I have to admit that I was skeptical about your services/advice because I wasn’t sure how credible you are (education, expertise, experience) but I’ve been following your stuff for a while now and taking things here and leaving other things there. The point is, I’m still paying attention to your emails and I’m still interested in what you have to say. I really think you’re on the right track and I can see your business getting really big.
I double majored in psychology and communication studies and am almost finished with my Masters of Social Work. I have done much research on relationships and communication and I think your advice tends to be solid. I would just like to offer a couple of critiques to help make your publications stronger, if I may. First, if you could use any sort of research to back up your advice it would be seen as more credible. Right now I’m unsure if what you say is your opinion or rooted in some more formal study. You’ve mentioned that you speak with many women about the topics you write about and I would like to hear you refer back to those conversations more often if you do not have empirical research to back up your opinions. I think it is completely valid to offer your opinion based on your experience or consensus between people you consult with. I like when you do your “case studies” for men to learn from, I think that is an excellent idea because you are basically doing your own qualitative research. I guess the real point I’m trying to make is to let the reader know where you got your information. From a reader who wrote in? Personal experience? Article you read? Friend or peer of yours? That would lend you more credibility for people who are apprehensive about buying in to your product.
Please take this email as a compliment to how good I think your services because I want to see you succeed and grow. I know we don’t know each other but I hope you consider this helpful.
Best of luck (but it isn’t really luck, is it?)
-Kyle
beautiful article! pretty much what my instinct has been telling me – but I was so focused on being an asshole (because I thought that would help me with women), that I did not apply my intuition very often. Now I’ll do it a lot more. Again, you’ve made the world a better place. thanks!
“You should know and I can’t believe you don’t” – this is an expectation, judgment and condemnation of the guy for not mind-reading. Newsflash – guys don’t mind read, as evidenced daily and by studies of how male brains are wired.
The day that a girl takes full responsibility for her “moods” and feelings is the day she starts to become a woman. Until then, if she expects her man to be a “hero” and save her from her own stuff, then she’s still immature and not really ready for a mature relationship.
Guys need to look to and emulate male role models who did not tolerate behaviour that is toxic and childish. Unfortunately, there are not that many around, but if one looks, one will find them.
Great article! Just shows how hard it is to logically speak to a women. Illogicality and emotional speaking is the way to go!
cool
very informative post. Looking more to something like this
very informative post. Looking more to something like this