How To Pick The Right Woman
27. Jan, 2012 
16 Comments
I am not sure if what I am about to do it legal or not legal BUT I wanted to share an AMAZING article with you. I subscribe to psychology today and the top story in this month’s mag is “Are You With The Right Mate, What To Do When You Think It’s All A Mistake”. The article dives into our wonky perception of how we think a relationship SHOULD work. Rather than how it is DOES work.
There were so many quotes from it that I wanted to share with you that I just decided to cut and paste the whole damn thing. That’s the part that I am not sure is legal. If it is, I will take it down immediately 
There are a few things that I love about this article:
1. It’s so real and sometimes we need to hear real to truly understand
2. It agrees with the way that I view marriage and all relationships
3. It teaches you exactly how to set expectations and communicate without feeling needy or wimpy
Honestly gold. Please take a read. I’ve highlighted my favorite parts.
Update made March 9: Psychology contacted me and asked me to take it down. Really guys? 3 weeks? Staff is a little slow with copyright infringement 
Anyway, below are some key points and you can see the full article at Psychology today.
Are You with the Right Mate?
At some point in every relationship it’s natural to ask whether your partner is the right one for you. But if that’s as far as you go, you’re missing the opportunity of your life.
He thought the solution to the discontent was for her to change. But once on his own, missing the daily interaction with his daughters, he couldn’t avoid some reflection. “I didn’t want to go through this again. I asked whether there was something I could have done differently. After all, you can wait years for someone else to change.”
What he decided was, indeed, there were some things he could have done differently—like not tried as hard to be so noncontrolling that his wife felt he had abandoned decision-making entirely. His wife, he came to understand, felt frustrated, as if she were “a married single parent,” making too many of the plans and putting out many of the fires of family life, no matter how many chores he assumed.
Ultimately, he stopped blaming his wife for their problems. “You can’t change another person. You can only change yourself,” he says. “Like lots of men today,” he has since found, “I was very confused about my role as partner.” After a few post-divorce years in the mating wilderness, Katz came to realize that framing a relationship in terms of the right or wrong mate is by itself a blind alley.
“We’re given a binary model,” says New York psychotherapist Ken Page. “Right or wrong. Settle or leave. We are not given the right tools to think about relationships. People need a better set of options.”
Sooner or later, there comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it’s all a dreadful mistake, says Boston family therapist Terrence Real. It happens a few months to a few years in. “It’s an open secret of American culture that disillusionment exists. I go around the country speaking about ‘normal marital hatred.’ Not one person has ever asked what I mean by that. It’s extremely raw.”
What to do when the initial attraction sours? “I call it the first day of your real marriage,” Real says. It’s not a sign that you’ve chosen the wrong partner. It is the signal to grow as an individual—to take responsibility for your own frustrations. Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being. We all fall in love with people we think will deliver us from life’s wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us.
A new view of relationships and their discontents is emerging. We alone are responsible for having the relationship we want. And to get it, we have to dig deep into ourselves while maintaining our connections. It typically takes a dose of bravery—what Page calls “enlightened audacity.” Its brightest possibility exists, ironically, just when the passion seems most totally dead. If we fail to plumb ourselves and speak up for our deepest needs, which admittedly can be a scary prospect, life will never feel authentic, we will never see ourselves with any clarity, and everyone will always be the wrong partner.
The more you can talk and listen to women the better your relationships will be. That is the secret to making a woman want you forever!
Not sure if you’ve checked out my confidence boosting program but included in it are guidebooks to help you figure out what you want PLUS discover your values. Before I got married, I did all of these exercises and my marriage (and all relationships) are stronger because of it. Go check out the program and start getting to know yourself better now
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Hey Marni,
Where I normally agree with every single article you have posted or shared with us, from the bought program and the newsletter, this one leaves me at an impasse.
Relationships cannot be so cookie-cutter, the very first example completley put me off the whole article that I felt strained to read all of it. How could anyone feel that if a person were to take on the decisions of the family (in order to support it) is the act of them being sort of non-chalant when it came to the relationship? Too much is missing. Did they talk about it? Was he still not able to do anything after they talked about it? This is a black and white poor example of what it really takes to make a relationship work.
Fortunatley I completley agreed with the rest of the article, if you want a particiualr relationship, that starts with you and you alone. You, Marni, have helped me get that. But respectfully I feel there are limits to ‘shitty’ situations where one can only take responsability so much as they should after that it is healthy to acknowledge the flaws in a partner.
Thanks for all the help,
C
Hey!!! You are absolutely correct about what you say. Not sure if you read the whole article but there is a section in it that delves into values and acknowledging an actual mis-match for partnership.
The point of the article was to show people that it’s not all about what the other person can do to change to fit into what you want. It’s about 2 people being honest with themselves and the reality of being human and work on things together.
Love that you shared your thoughts. So appreciated
That’s right, “Marriage is not about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person”.
We all are totally different from each other, that’s why if we get to know a person deeply we’ll find differences between us. Then, the question is ‘Can we still live together with those differences and love our partners?’
Great article, and thanks for sharing it Marni.
I’m glad the Psychology Today article that began with an interview with me sparked this discussion. What is the underlying cause for so many men being in this situation? Many men today weren’t taught the insights about being a man that fathers and other older male role models used to teach younger men.
What are these manly lessons?
Show leadership. So many men so fear being accused of being controlling they have gone to the other extreme and leave all decisions to the woman. This is why many women feel like single parents.
Make decisions. A man who avoids making decisions is shirking his responsibilities. I couldn’t count the number of single women who told me how fed up they are when a man asks them on a date and can’t even choose a place to go for coffee. He wants her to decide.
Take responsibility. Don’t blame your wife, even if you feel she pushed you into doing something that you knew would turn out badly. Nobody has any sympathy for a man who says he’s a victim of a woman. People will say, “You’re the man. Why did you let it go on?”
My book, “Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man” shares these lessons and more that I learned on my journey seeking insights on being a man. The book is striking a chord around the world — it’s being translated into 22 languages by publishers in Europe, Asia and Latin America.
Elliott Katz
Eliot,
The example that they provided of your situation could be my situation exactly. I get the kids up, I feed them, bathe them, read to them and put them to bed. All of this is my effort to do stuff for my wife, to make her feel like I’m supporting her. She has often spoken of my lack of decision making and how it makes her feel like a “single mom”. It’s ironic how indecisive I am at home, as I am an officer in the U.S. Army and have had to be critically decisive all the time in my job. I feel like it is too late for my current relationship, given that my wife has so little respect for me any more. Is there anything I can do to turn the boat around now?
Thanks, Marni, for posting this! Highly insightful article. I plan on really stepping up and taking responsibility for my part in this marriage. If it doesn’t work, at least I’ll know I tried.
Nate
You’re not alone. This is one of the most common relationship problems but not enought people talk about it.
To start being a leader at home, look for situations that need your leadership that your wife isn’t doing anythng about. Step forward, take charge, find a solution and implement it. She’ll probably be surprised. Keep doing it. You will become her hero because that is what she wants.
What not to do: If your wife has made a decision, don’t think you’ll show her that you’re a leader by deciding she should do the complete opposite. That’s not leadership. That’s underminig her.
For more, you can also read my book “Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants” — it’s a lot cheaper than a divorce.
Hey Elliott
I like your advice on this one: it’s not about undermining each other as partners, but benefiting each other by both supporting each other. I also love a guy who can step up to take action as a man- it’s a very attractive quality in a long term partner.
Marni
Hey Nate
good luck with this. Start off by making a simple decision: pick up dinner, decide what you’re going to do as a family over the weekend, make a call about what color you want to paint the bathroom etc. Also be ok to point out, in a calm and kind way, to your wife how much you do do for your family.
You sound like a great guy- good luck
Marni
Given that you are being your best self, and have done all you can to prepare for the role of husbandry, from here I think it’s ALL about selection. You have to find a woman that has the capacity to be both a wife AND a girlfriend for life. Whichever one she is not, you will look outside of the marriage for. Both are so basic.
Where you and the wife have a commitment, you and the girlfriend have chemistry
Where you and the wife have obligations, you and the girlfriend have interest
Where the wife understands you, the girlfriend likes you
Where the wife has character, the girlfriend has personality
The wife and girlfriend are two different energies. If you pick a chic that is only this light-fun-breezy girlfriend, OR, if you choose a woman who is only this serious-deep-stern wife, it can’t work.
Hey Jamiel
I like how you’ve expressed this: it’s definitely important to retain some of that original chemistry and spark that makes for a great date, even when you’re hitched
Marni
Hey Marni
Thanks for sharing your articles with me n others. I always find time to read them and cant wait to leave the Middle East so I can have more time to enjoys your writings:)
This article is really good for most of us who work on ourselves and try to extend our understanding of the other part of us (our mate) I have 1 simple suggestion guys, please take your time and read the article over n over and you’ll see that you won’t have anything negative to say about it. Yes you can add to it if you want, but make sure you put 30 minutes asside to read over.
Thanks again Marni, I wish I could hug you for this, you ROCK!!!!!
Great suggestion and I agree with you. Such an important article.
Thanks for writing and thanks for the support
I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t had a real relationship before, but I’ve been people watching my whole life.
When I was 17, I thought to myself “Why am I so angry”? mad a t life, mad at my parents, mad at my sibilings, mad that the cable was out… ect.. I then came to the conclusion “I cannot change people, so why am I getting so stressed over something I can’t control? So I changed my thought pattern and became very laid back.
In High School and Jobs I wanted the hottest girl in the school/workplace (we all did) She had to be hot or otherwise I wouldn’t talk to her. This went on and on till I was about 22. I was about 20 when I experianced a real spark, like almost instant chemistry or so I thought at the time. It was really amazing to really just let everything fly no matter how shocking it was cause her reaction fueled me more. But chemistry with her was only one sided, she had a boyfriend.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized, that girl was not what I want.
As I’ve approached women over the last few years, I’ve wondered “Why do I want this girl to be my girlfriend? If you strip away all her good looks, she’s still the same person. So this article made sense to me and brought up a lot of things I would think about.
I’ve approached alot of cute girls only to realize, no chemistry which is incredibly important to me..She can’t laugh at my jokes, “get” my sense of humor and/or is a bit uptight, She’s not the one for me, no matter how hot she is….Guys should take a page out of the book on how attraction works for women and apply it to themselves .
Marni, thanks for the article, I’m almost 40 and being recently divorced after 9 years, I saw a lot of myself in the article. Now she and the kids are in another country and I am trying (poorly I might add) to pickup my life. I just want to reiterate a few key things.
* First I blame myself, on so many levels (she would have her faults too, but I still blame myself)
* Don’t just make decisions, execute them without putting her out. Decision making was an issue for me too (even though I head a team of over 80 staff), and she being so capable I just focused on work (which I let consume all of me, even canceling stuff to accommodate it) and left her with all else; even the arrangements
* Talk freely; there were a lot of things I did not tell her that I wanted to (I have never cheated on her, neither do I smoke, nor take alcohol so it’s none of those kind of things). These things were deep and probably important to my soul yet I didn’t tell her. She told me everything, but felt she got nothing back.
* Beware of negative responses; there are some comments that we have made at each other that are provocative and downright hurtful over the years.
* Never forget Intimacy, with intimacy comes understanding, both mental intimacy and physical (sex is part of marital glue). I like the waking up 30 mins earlier just to cuddle, I think that is fantastic, never did that. When she became a grumpy woman, I just stayed out of her way and failed to understand her innermost thoughts properly (Venus and Mars scenario)
* Take breaks, from the real world. there is a lot of pressure (usually financial and in Africa where I live and originate, lots of other causes) on everybody, a break from it all with each other would help a great deal (I wasn’t into breaks, just work).
* Back to sex, men should learn to be good at it, I was frustrated because I couldn’t satisfy her anymore (not that she was insatiable, things just got a lot harder) and she felt I was doing it to someone else (remember I have never cheated on her before, I even offered to pay for an investigator of her choice if she didn’t believe me). Ladies have been known to fake sexual pleasure, but you don’t need to ask your mate (or watch her reaction while doing it) to know if she is enjoying it, her actions away from the bedroom such as her willingness to initiate and the spontaneity of her affections is all you need to know.
* Respect her, and give her praise, women like attention and care especially if it is sincere (only do it from the heart and not over do it because insincerity cannot be sustained). However do not lose yourself in giving support and praise.
* Finally no one is perfect, she was my everything and I was hers (literally), big mistake not because of what happened but simply because the search for perfect can be compared to chasing the wind (on foot). “Perfect” in humans simply doesn’t exist, s**t happens (and will always happen), and when it does, it is the mutual support you give each other that will carry you through.
I’m hoping/wishing to get her back and I’ve given myself 1 year to grow into the organism that will make it work.
Thanks Marni
Hi Midekins,
thanks for taking the time to write this: I think a lot of people are going to relate to it.
It sounds also like you’ve become very self aware, are taking action and are fighting for what you believe in. All of these are incerdibly attractive qualities: I really hope everything works out for you
Marni