How To Bring Up Sticky Topics: Kids, Divorce…
03. Oct, 2011 
35 Comments
You may worry that a woman may discount you because you have bad skin, a job that causes you to work nights, or because you’re a single father.
This isn’t true!
Luckily for you guys, women rarely write a guy off solely on his physical appearance or for one ‘deal breaker’ in his life.
Women are pretty different to men like that. Guys can be very set in a physical ‘type’ that they have; whilst women evaluate the men they meet on a whole bunch of different requirements.
When you approach a woman of course they will be thinking about how you look, BUT they’ll also be weighing up your general vibe, what you’re wearing, what you say, how you present yourself, whether you make them laugh, what they know about your character etc…
That’s already a big list and it just goes on and on!
You may now be worrying that it’s impossible to pick up a woman if they’re looking for so many things! Actually it’s just the opposite! Even if you think you have something counting against you during your initial approach (maybe you have a small build and are after a girl who so far has only dated guys from the football team); that hurdle can be overcome if you present other aspects of who you are positively.
You will only have a problem if you have nothing else going for you… and I know that’s not the case!
I’m not going to lie to you, some women are superficial so they may not initially be attracted to you if you’re not their ‘type’; or may be concerned if you don’t have the job or family situation that they would ideally like.
However, the easiest way to stop them from judging you on that one thing is to demonstrate all of the other great qualities you have going for you. If you walk up to them worrying that because you’re not dressed very smartly that she won’t give you a chance, then she probably won’t.
Instead, I want you to say ‘fuck it, I know I’m a great guy’ and go after her anyway!
Having this positive attitude, this charisma, this belief that she will get it, will make it very difficult for her not to turn around and say the same thing back, “fuck it, let’s see what this guy is all about!”.
Seriously.
Even if you’ve got a little something that makes it slightly tougher to meet women, you can still make it work by presenting all the other great qualities you have. Stand up, be counted and put yourself out there: this is the way you will get the women you want to give you a chance. And I’m sure you know that when she gets to know you, she’ll like you more and more. So don’t sweat the small stuff!
Still unconvinced?
Then let me tell you a quick story.
When I was single I went on several dates with men who had children. Some women will like the fact you have kids, others won’t. Whether it is a deal breaker, or not, though will depend on how you go about telling them and how you present your life as a whole.
Most guys I dated who had kids made a huge deal out of when they ‘announced’ that they had kids: they made it so dramatic, as if I was going to flip out. They’d say things like:
“I have to tell you something that I should have been honest about before. I have a kid but I really want to live my life still and I want you to be a part of it” blah blah blah!
Because they made it out to be such a huge deal, I got caught up in the emotion of it and allowed this one potential negative to influence how I felt about the guy as a whole. Not just because he had kids but because he presented a negative view of himself to me.
Then I went out with this other guy, who proudly and casually brought up he had a daughter and how being a dad made him an even better guy:
“I freakin’ love my daughter. She’s what makes me wake up in the morning, but more importantly she’s helped me be smarter about the people I let into my life” He then flashed a small smile at me that made me melt, before returning to our conversation.
See how different the tone was between the first example and the second?
With the second guy I didn’t care that he had a kid. He used what could have been a ‘deal breaker’ to show me a whole bunch of other qualities about him that were so attractive: that he can still remain grounded, had a strong character and was a great dad!
So for you, I want you to apply the same mentality to whatever you think is holding you back when you first meet women. I want you to think:
“ I’ve got it, so what, I know I’m an awesome guy and she’s going to recognize that.”
TIP: Write this down on a piece of paper and stick it in your back pocket. For the 2 weeks, any time before you go out and approach women, look at it, then stick it back in your pants.
Go in with this attitude, and that’s going to be so attractive, that any small negatives will be blown away by the great qualities you’ve demonstrated. Put yourself out there, be positive, and she will feel attracted to you.
I’d like to share with you a lot more of what it takes to attract a woman – so I’ve created a special system just for you called the “Ultimate Confidence Booster”. You’ll learn EXACTLY what it takes to communicate with women so attraction happens fast… and so you’re never seen as “just a friend” again.
For more info, go here: Free Presentation “Ultimate Confidence Booster”
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Marni, you are my new best friend.
Unless you’re dating online is when women really become superficial. If your pictures suck, no matter how positive your profile is written,she won’t respond to you.
agreed. I’ve done an experiment where I’ve swapped out pics of better looking guys for mine, and I get much better responses, on top of that, they always complement me on how witty and humorous I am. Never (or rarely) commenting on the picture, and if they do, it’s usually, “…and you’re not bad to look at either..” kind of an afterthought. Pure hypocrisy if you ask me.
“Having this positive attitude, this charisma, this belief that she will get it, will make it very difficult for her not to turn around and say the same thing back, “fuck it, let’s see what this guy is all about!”.
Seriously.”
What if your mind comes back to you and says “who the F are you kidding? you might be a great guy, but this girl has had her chance with greater guys”
What then?
Seriously.
Skw,
that just backs up what i’ve been noticing about online dating…it’s all about the pictures. I took my profile down cause I dont have good,exciting pictures and won’t put it back up till I’m done collecting pics.
I’m no catalog model and yeah I had a similar experience with online dating, which is why I don’t do it any more. Don’t get me wrong though, I think Marni is spot on with what she says about women needing to feel your positive emotional energy. How can they do that if they aren’t in the same room as you seeing how you act and how people respond to you? They look at your picture and extrapolate.
There are better ways to meet women though. It takes longer to build a dynamic social life and get established with groups of new friends in places where you’re going to meet women than it does to set up an online dating profile, but it’s well worth it. To start with, woman wise, it might seem like it’s going nowhere. My experience is that such a small proportion of women are actually single, so a lot of the time you’ll find yourself talking to men, and women who aren’t available.
Aha! But then the attractive single woman appears and she sees you mixing with a cool group of men and women who clearly like you. Instant good vibes and fascination.
I’ll take that over just looking like a model any day! And so does she! You don’t need to convince her you have good energy; it’s already been done!
Single women want to give you a chance, and they want you to win. They’re playing the same game as you and having a similar experience. There aren’t that many decent exciting single guys out there, not really. You can see it in their eyes because when you eventually say hi they light up! They’re thinking “Wow! Oh please! Oh please!” and there’s a whole mix of emotions going on, including being nervous about saying or doing something that might make you reject them.
Emotionally it takes a long time to unlearn the hard learned emotional lesson that all women are out to write you off and get rid of you though, if that’s been your earlier experience in life.
“I’ll take that over just looking like a model any day! And so does she! You don’t need to convince her you have good energy; it’s already been done!”
what you’re talking about is social proof. without social proof, it reverts to the traditional demarcators, good looks, and money (or positions of power)
“Emotionally it takes a long time to unlearn the hard learned emotional lesson that all women are out to write you off and get rid of you though, if that’s been your earlier experience in life.”
This is 100% true. in fact I’d say the only way to unlearn it is to actually have experiences that contravene it.
“They’re thinking “Wow! Oh please! Oh please!” and there’s a whole mix of emotions going on, including being nervous about saying or doing something that might make you reject them.”
I agree they might think this if they like you, but that takes time to establish. Mostly they’re thinking (in my experience) ‘ok here’s another loser guy trying to get with me, let me see what he’s got..” Its basically gulity until proven innocent. Assume the worst, hope for the best.
In other words, you’re constantly trying to *disprove* an underlying assertion that you’re a loser, shmuck, etc…
Funny how the whole online dating thing is being brought up in the comments. As soon as I started reading this article, my mind went straight to how online dating is so so superficial. Its all about pictures, height (that’s a biggie)and all else superficial. I have done the photo swapping thing and the have put myself at say 6’0 to 6’3 and I even had a marriage proposal and she was very attractive!
Online is not fun.
Hey Kent
sorry to hear you’ve had negative online dating experiences so far. I wouldn’t say that online dating is the only way to meet women, and isn’t for everyone, but it is worth exploring. Agree that your pictures should be good though: it’s about putting your best self into the world. Just like how you wouldn’t turn up to a job interview in a dirty suit, put pictures online of yourself that are honest, but that you’re proud of. Maybe try using some that show you doing things that are important to you and demonstrate your qualities: photos from travels, or when you’re doing a sport etc, will show that your life as a whole is attractive. Good luck for the future, Marni
Hell searches for men begin at 5’8…so if your like most guys around 5’6 or 5′ 7, you won’t even be in their search.
Having a college education is another big bonus. I’ve been told “I don’t think I can connect with someone who didn’t go to college”
Talk about shallow.
Adam Gilad put together a dvd for online dating, but it takes about making you the prize and not her,and it says to talk about her and not you, but How is she suppose to get know anything about you? I’ve put up both David Wygant’s profile and Adam Gilad’s online profile and haven’t had any success with either of them…It’s all about the pictures.
You really have to put up pictures of yourself to make it look like your having a party that she’s missing out on.
I’d like to see Marni actually put up pictures on her site somewhere for men as examples to show us what is considered attractive pictures to women, show us Marni, Don’t tell us.
“I’d like to see Marni actually put up pictures on her site somewhere for men as examples to show us what is considered attractive pictures to women, show us Marni, Don’t tell us.”
I second this.
I also worked with another coach, and gosh did we go back and forth about the “role” of looks in the “woman attraction’ process.
She said quite a many things similar to what Marni says, but then I see a picture of the guy she’s dating, and he looks like a cross between Christopher Reeve and Dean Cain. So, I’m to believe that women are attracted to all these other qualities and it just so happens that they all happen to look fantastic also ?
I think Marni is spot on here actually.
If you think your looks work against you, they do.
If you think your looks work for you, they do.
What reality are women entering when they start talking to you? A positive one or a negative one?
Maybe women get used to good looking men being the ones who think they’re attractive and therefore are. How else are they going to judge online?
If it’s not working online go somewhere else to meet them!
Marni is spot on. How do I know? When we started working together I was turning women off. After we have been working together I am turning women on. What changed about me? Not my looks.
Now one thing Marni and I did work on wasn’t just having that belief just when talking to women, it’s having that belief *in all areas of your life*. You can’t just think positively for the time you are in front of a woman and then go back to your regularly scheduled dull life. You need to get in touch with what excites you, what motivates you, and you need to live it. Just as that single dad whom Marni liked was doing.
I did things such as take surfing lessons, join a fitness bootcamp, and took some trips. I also upgraded my fashion. I’m now getting into volunteering. And I’ve gotten into journaling, to get in better touch with my emotions and what I want. Those things are important to women far more than looks.
Couldn’t have said it better myself Mike. Thanks for sharing your experiences
If you truly know you’re a great guy, do you think your life will be just eat, work, sleep, where you’ll go home every night to a dirty place? OR do you think you’ll be striving for more?
Marni is spot on. How do I know? Because I worked with Marni 2 years ago. Before I used to turn off women. Now I (often) turn them on. What changed? Well, not my looks or my height.
Here is the thing. If you truly believe you are a great guy, you will live it, and not just when you are in front of a woman. We can’t just be about eat, sleep, work, and turn on the positive thinking when a woman appears. For example, the single dad in Marni’s story who turned her on was genuinely passionate about his daughter. If he was not, then she wouldn’t have felt attraction for him.
That was in fact what Marni and I discussed in our work together. Since we started working together I took surf lessons, joined a fitness bootcamp, and got into volunteering for a cause I feel passionate about. I also redid my place and upgraded my style. I also got in touch with my own preferences AND my own emotions.
My 2 cents….
Your 2 cents were great appreciated. Thanks Mike!
Mike,
Coming from a place where you always used to turn women off what was your experience of breaking the learned expectation that this would always be so?
I’ve found that intellectually believing that women will desire me for who I am is very different to a deep emotional belief of the same, which is taking a lot longer to develop.
Guys… You’re missing something HUGE here. It isn’t your good looks, your height, or your money that is important. It is what these things COMMUNICATE. These things indicate “high quality DNA,” that, when passed on, will create successful offspring. What are traits about you that will ensure that your offspring will survive and prosper? Look there to find what you should accentuate in your online profiles.
If you have a woman that only looks at those specific details, she is missing the bigger details about you, and you will likely have an AWFUL relationship with her. Is a hot girl worth being treated like crap??
@Kevin: Don’t expect results from someone else’s profile. It is only a fraction of what is actually attractive; the other part is BEHAVIOR. If you still behave like a low-value male, you could have a profile that really made her swoon, and totally mess it up on the first message, and you would never know the difference.
Redfish
Agree that behavior, attitude and belief are where real attraction lies: not in height, looks, or the size of your wallet.
OMG – so working with Marni won’t just make you better with women, but make you…
…shock horror…
…a better and happier man???
Couldn’t have that now, could we? ;p
Parkey–
Honestly? First it was trying stuff out on Marni and getting her blunt feedback.
And how I could hone what I did to get a better effect.
Then it was taking what I learned and acting that way towards dates and other women. And feeling their positive (and sometimes negative) responses.
Eventually you start to see patterns. You are feeling masculine (and coming across as attractive) when you are talking about what excites you and you include her in it. You are feeling masculine when you are adding to what she said. You are feeling masculine when you have a thought-out opinion on something and you express it. You are feeling masculine when you call a woman out on her nonsense. You are feeling masculine when you go for what you want, confidently but respectfully. On a date and the conversation is going well? Hold her hand! You might be pleasantly surprised.
You are NOT being masculine when you are (a) just listening to her talk about herself all evening without adding anything (b) try too hard not to offend (you end up saying the same thing everyone else does), (c) let her walk all over you.
Thanks for that Mike, that’s actually very useful.
What I did was take up a dance class soon after I discovered this stuff could be learned. It was fantastic for easy one-on-one contact with women because we’d rotate partners every few minutes and I could practice getting a bit of banter going. I was actually astonished when I found what worked.
That was nearly a year ago. Now, yesterday I asked a woman if she’d like to spend some time with me this weekend. We’ve been flirting for a couple of weeks and everything about her actions and body language has been telling me she’s interested in me. Intellectually I knew for certain that she’d say yes, and of course she did.
Thing is emotionally there’s still a small part of me still expecting her to call and cancel. It’s what the me of my teens and twenties learned is what happens when I reach out to women. I still haven’t completely unlearned those lessons, even though I know they’re wrong.
What I make of what you’ve said is that you’ve found an emotional state where you feel strong and comfortable, and you drove out feelings like the above by developing and expanding that?
“What changed? Well, not my looks or my height.”
All that proves is that looks and height weren’t your problem to begin with. ie you passed that “bar”, for the women you were attracted to.
I attract lots of women, but they’re just usually overweight or not very attractive to me. The question here is- how to attract women that *you yourself* are attracted to.
“That was in fact what Marni and I discussed in our work together. Since we started working together I took surf lessons, joined a fitness bootcamp, and got into volunteering for a cause I feel passionate about.”
Well, I don’t need marni for that. I’ve taken nearly 6 months off of work to complete a project that I’ve been working on for 2 years, something Im passionate about. Guess what, no women dropping out of the sky for me yet!
“What reality are women entering when they start talking to you? A positive one or a negative one?”
Fair enough, but if one could simply flip a switch to go from negative to positive, well none of us would be here and marni wouldn’t have a client base- would she?
If a negative attitude exists, a PART of the effort (not saying all) has to be towards figuring out HOW and WHY that negative attitude came to be.
It’s pretty morbid to think that anyone wants a negative attitude to develop, but an entire adolescence of getting passed over for better looking guys can do that to you. I’m just a bit shocked that these issues don’t come up more frequently with guys that need to seek out “professional help” in attracting women.
You think that the sort of people who seek the advice of someone like Marni haven’t had the same experiences you’ve had?
I know quite a few people who are therapists and they often say that everyone who comes to them thinks their problems are new and unique. In truth there aren’t that many different issues people can have, which is good because it means there are known workable solutions.
Mike has just explained the solution.
“You think that the sort of people who seek the advice of someone like Marni haven’t had the same experiences you’ve had?”
the same type perhaps, not the same intensity.
lets put the pedal to the medal
1. how old are you ?
2. when was the first time you kissed a girl? had sex?
3. how many girlfriends have you had? how many times have you had sex?
Im going to be very blunt.
Hotness matters – a LOT!
The complexities of woman may blur this but the facts are the facts and online dating is perfect example. Women are out for the hottest man they can get (who also has the personality they want). Marni’s article was 100% correct, take on that attitude and youll do better but youll have to plow through more rejection if youre not hot hot hot. If you can develop such great personality and thick skin and you look average and can improve with hairstyle, clothing and fitness then you will do better.
But lets be frank, genetics rule and a hot face wins. If you have this then youll get access to over 75% of women with great initial responses online and offline in the real world. If you dont then your struggling but if you accept this then hey you can get 4 hot women or more on the go just by being resilient, solid and playing the numbers game.
Hope that clears it up.
Hey Mark
I agree for both men and women to get the love life they want often requires some ploughing! Genetics don’t always win on either end though: a good looking guy who is boring or a jerk is not nearly as attractive as the charismatic average Joe. I hope the same goes for women, maybe hotter girls get approached more- but if her attitude is ugly then you wouldn’t want to stick around! Good luck for the future
“Hotness matters – a LOT!”
Any response from Team ‘You can just wish it away’ ?
You are responsible for generating your own perception of reality.
If you don’t like your current reality seek to prove it wrong, not right.
Both sides are right on this one.
On a % basis girls go for hot hot hot. Hot guys therefore are READY to display the attractive behaviours because they are USED to hot girls wanting them.
My mates Fat Stevie and Ugly Seth get rejected on physicality 99% of the time so are therefore not ready. So the 1% of the time where reasonably hot girls give them a chance (and this does happen skw, so do be aware of this) they are not ready and therefore do not usually form the HABIT of acting attractively. And woman who say to someone like Fat Stevie “you should be more confident” are missing the point. Hot guys do not have this part of their character tested so may also be lacking in character, jealous, insecure or not confident but well never know.
So by taking the advice on board an ugly man will go from near 0% to I dotn know maybe a chance with 2-5% of decent looking women. Average will go from maybe 4% to 15-20%. Hot will go from that 75% initial reaction to being a superstar(90% success rate??!!) However, a great PUA can often shift the balance so hotness is not the only way forward. More to the point though is “why the hells hould the average and the ugly have to work harder for it” and unfortunately thats just the way it is.
So I sympathesize with skw and his like and yes an attitude change is the only way forward but lets be honest about the facts – all of you! Hotness matters – A LOT! No argument full stop.
“More to the point though is “why the hells hould the average and the ugly have to work harder for it” and unfortunately thats just the way it is.”
Exactly. now we just need to the queen bee to reach this admission.
It’s obvious that walking in with an attitude of “I’ll never get laid by this hot chick that gets all the attention and guys she wants” will always result in negative results.
But what people dont understand is HOW that attitude that came to form in the first place? If all I’m doing is “trying to prove myself right” why would I want to prove such a thing in the first place? It’s not about proving or disproving, it’s about observing and acknowledging.