Marni's Wing Girl Method > Blog > How To Approach Women > The Difference Between Being Cocky vs. Confident With Women

The Difference Between Being Cocky vs. Confident With Women

 August 31, 2012

There are a lot of men out there that still believe being a cocky jerk is going to get them attention from women. It may get them attention but it also may get them a slap on the face or a knee to the nut sack ;-) That’s because so many men take their cockiness too far so that they become jerks.

Check out my newest Askmen.com video where I explain the difference between being Cocky vs Confident with women. It’s a fine line but one that’s important to be aware of if you want to beautiful, quality women in your life.

For more tips on how to be confident instead of cocky, watch this video by clicking here.

  • skw

    Ok if cockiness is what happens when you try and “fake it”, and women “certainly know the difference” then what do you do if you don’t have reason to believe in yourself, if you don’t have strengths, resources, or skills to “bring to any situation”

    If you don’t have confidence, should you try and fake it. That’s the question at hand. Unless of course Marni, you only talk to guys that are already confident?

    Secondly, what type of situations are we talking about? I have the skills to integrate an exponential, and write a subroutine that can compute the factorial of any # recursively. Not exactly skills that get women’s panties wet. – if you can believe that.
    And did you say confident guys “stand tall” what if the man is only 4 feet, should he buy lifts?

  • rob

    Confidence is a State of mind. either you are or you are not confident at any given time. Also that state of mind is what triggers confident posture. Think about how you are, when you are explaining the sub routine to a buddy. I bet you are completely confident and standing tall. Whatever you can do, own it and share it. But keep an open mind. Don’t limit yourself to what you can and can’t do. Observe the world around you and share that with the person you are talking to. For example: “wow, look at the full moon! The last time a saw a full moon was with my dad.” “what do you think of during a full moon? (asks female). good luck

    • skw

      “I bet you are completely confident and standing tall. Whatever you can do, own it and share it. But keep an open mind. Don’t limit yourself to what you can and can’t do.”

      I’ve tried to talk to girls about the mythological foundations of starwars and the differences between starwars and startrek, they don’t seem interested.

      “Observe the world around you and share that with the person you are talking to. For example: “wow, look at the full moon! The last time a saw a full moon was with my dad.” “what do you think of during a full moon? (asks female). good luck”

      What does this have to do with:

      “strengths, resources, or skills to “bring to any situation”"

      The basic question here is:

      how can one develop confidence (or spontaneously be confident) around women, if faking it is “being cocky” and women “certainly can smell the difference” ?

      • Ding Chavez

        “I’ve tried to talk to girls about the mythological foundations of starwars and the differences between starwars and startrek, they don’t seem interested.”Don’t feel bad about that skw. Most women don’t like cool stuff like that. Those that do you probably wouldn’;t want to go out with.
        I keep my love of Superheroes, Horrror Movies, and Martail Arts films to myself.
        Talk of those kinds of things get you labelled as “creepy.”
        　
        ”
        how can one develop confidence (or spontaneously be confident) around women, if faking it is “being cocky” and women “certainly can smell the difference” ?”GREAT question.There used to be a school of thought that I tried and it worked for me in many situations.It’s called “Fake it Till You Make It.” I have gotten all sorts of things (jobs, etc) this way. A lot of things, excluding women.As best I can gauge, women just want to punish you for not having it already.The main problem with women anchoring any level of a man’s attractiveness to something as flaky as confidence is that it is not real.Sometimes you’re confident, sometimes you’re not. I’m more confident in other areas in my life than I am with women. A LOT more.Confidence can be and is built from external situations. If women are open to your advances, allow you to date and sleep with them, confidence is built. If women shoot you down, blow you off, “Friend Zone” you, confidence is destroyed.Women keep saying they want condifent men. Women also don’t seem to be averse to trying to change a man. They will take the most vile, corrupt human being and try to turn him into a nice guy.Why can’t these same women take a man with no confidence and build that up? That’s actually an attainable goal, much more than Jerk into Nice Guy.I can tell you for certain that if I could, with words alone, transform the women I see into dating opportunities. I think Kim Kardashian has the perfect body. Turns me on like crazy. If I could walk up to a flat bottomed girl and tell her something and over time she developed a perfect Kim K backside, I would roam the Earth tirelessly helping women out.Simple solution to all females. If all you see are Nice Guys, why don’t you start building confident men? Positive interactions, sex, and the like from women BUILD confidence in men. Funny thing is, it would take less energy than blowing men off, playing games, and all that rubbish you do now.how can one develop confidence (or spontaneously be confident) around women, if faking it is “being cocky” and women “certainly can smell the difference” ?”
        GREAT question.
        There used to be a school of thought that I tried and it worked for me in many situations.
        It’s called “Fake it Till You Make It.” I have gotten all sorts of things (jobs, etc) this way. A lot of things, excluding women.
        As best I can gauge, women just want to punish you for not having it already.
        The main problem with women anchoring any level of a man’s attractiveness to something as flaky as confidence is that it is not real.
        Sometimes you’re confident, sometimes you’re not. I’m more confident in other areas in my life than I am with women. A LOT more.
        Confidence can be and is built from external situations. If women are open to your advances, allow you to date and sleep with them, confidence is built.
        If women shoot you down, blow you off, “Friend Zone” you, confidence is destroyed.
        Women keep saying they want condifent men. Women also don’t seem to be averse to trying to change a man. They will take the most vile, corrupt human being and try to turn him into a nice guy.
        Why can’t these same women take a man with no confidence and build that up? That’s actually an attainable goal, much more than Jerk into Nice Guy.
        I can tell you for certain that if I could, with words alone, transform the women I see into dating opportunities. I think Kim Kardashian has the perfect body. Turns me on like crazy. If I could walk up to a flat bottomed girl and tell her something and over time she developed a perfect Kim K backside, I would roam the Earth tirelessly helping women out.
        Simple solution to all females. If all you see are Nice Guys, why don’t you start building confident men? Positive interactions, sex, and the like from women BUILD confidence in men. Funny thing is, it would take less energy than blowing men off, playing games, and all that rubbish you do now.

        • Parkey

          And do you go around using your words to make the women around you feel appreciated and valued? All of them, even the ones that aren’t hotties.

          Course not, if you’re too busy trying to selfishly grab whatever you can get.

          It costs nothing to add value to women’s lives by giving them sincere good words and feelings, but what it says about you is that you’re not an emotional sinkhole. You’re so damn awesome you’re giving it away. And the hotties you hadn’t even noticed start presenting themselves to you.

          I did this. It works.

          Words into dating opportunities.

          • Ding Chavez

            @Parkey
            “And do you go around using your words to make the women around you feel appreciated and valued? All of them, even the ones that aren’t hotties.
            Course not, if you’re too busy trying to selfishly grab whatever you can get.”
            Actually, I do. In fact, I make it a general policy to try to make everyone feel valued, both men and women, everywhere I go.
            “It costs nothing to add value to women’s lives by giving them sincere good words and feelings,”
            As mum has always said, Courtesy is free.
            “And the hotties you hadn’t even noticed start presenting themselves to you.
            I did this. It works.
            Words into dating opportunities.”
            I’ve been doing this for decades. Where are the hotties?

          • Parkey

            Cool. So find the other missing piece of the puzzle.

          • Ding Chavez

            @334694c148ab8bd448841afe726c83f6:disqus
            What Earthly good is this statement to me?
            Where is the missing piece?
            The GIANT hole in your logic is that the Jerks out there aren’t doing ANY of this rubbish.
            Jerks ARE selfish
            Jerks add absolutely NO value to a woman’s life.
            Jerks ONLY want sex.
            So what are you going on about? Puzzle pieces and the like.

          • Parkey

            Well that’s a huge bunch of assumptions you would do well to challenge.

            That statement is one of the most valuable I could ever make. I have learned so many things over the last two years, but the most important one is this. This is a puzzle, not an impenetrable barrier, and as you put the pieces together over time it can be solved.

            In the case of this puzzle piece, jerks most certainly are giving women something that they want. Jerks are touching women emotionally, which is an essential part of attraction. Nice guys are bland and they don’t dare do that.

            What jerks AREN’T doing is more significant though, I think. They aren’t trying to define their own happiness by a woman’s acceptance. They aren’t trying to lock women in to a relationship to secure themselves a supply of female company and sex. All good men are like woman magnets and all you need to do is lose those behaviours to start sucking them in.

          • Parkey

            Well that’s a huge bunch of assumptions you would do well to challenge.

            That statement is one of the most valuable I could ever make. I have learned so many things over the last two years, but the most important one is this. This is a puzzle, not an impenetrable barrier, and as you put the pieces together over time it can be solved.

            In the case of this puzzle piece, jerks most certainly are giving women something that they want. Jerks are touching women emotionally, which is an essential part of attraction. Nice guys are bland and they don’t dare do that.

            What jerks AREN’T doing is more significant though, I think. They aren’t trying to define their own happiness by a woman’s acceptance. They aren’t trying to lock women in to a relationship to secure themselves a supply of female company and sex. All good men are like woman magnets and all you need to do is lose those behaviours to start sucking them in.

          • Ding Chavez

            Congrats Parkey

            I have learned when a man starts defending Jerks, he must be meeting more women and having more sex. Good for you.

            I have a low opinion of them now and even when I get my money together, I will hopefully continue to not support these idiots and their ways.

            I don’t know what assumptions YOU see. All I see are facts.
            Jerks are not the upstanding lot you’ve got them worked out to be.

          • skw

            “Course not, if you’re too busy trying to selfishly grab whatever you can get.”

            And women aren’t selfish?

            “Words into dating opportunities.”

            If you’re so awesome, what good are the dating opportunities in the first place? If they don’t fill a void or sinkhole then what good are they?

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Hey Rob

      There’s some nice advice in here to be picked up on. What I think is the most valuable is understanding that confidence really is just a state of mind: it is not one of those ‘you’ve either got it, or you’ve not’ things. Confidence is in us all: we just need to take actions that will help to bring it out.

      You can start accessing your ‘confident self’ by taking action, going over to her to say ‘hi’ and following your goals/ dreams in life, not other people’s.

      Marni :)

  • Ed

    At 1:40 I want to ask what is “bringing the best out in someone.” Is it:

    A.) Giving advice? – briefly telling someone how to do better in a conversational setting, how to dress more casually, etc.

    B.) Helping fix some “errors” – when I asked you about the recorded conference with Darrah needing to have its volume fixed

    C.) Helping someone find what they enjoy in life? – such as figuring out what carrer path could fit that person

    D.) Making someone laugh – with appropriate humor?

    E.) Two or more of the above?

    F.) All of the above?

    G.) None of the above?

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Hey Edwin

      In this case ‘bringing out the best in someone’ means recognising that another person’s opinion is valid, being self assured enough to listen to other people’s opinions and giving the benefit of your wisdom to allow people to flourish, not crumple, in your presence

      I hope that helps

      Marni :-)

  • Eric Daniels

    Just wanted to say, it was a REAL challenge to understand your message clearly as the soundtrack in the background was competing with your voice and ended up being a total distraction.

    • skw

      exactly, it was the soundtrack in the back that made the words incomprehensible. That was it.

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Sorry to hear that Eric- the main points are listed in bullets on the video though so try to take note of those

      Marni :)

  • Parkey

    Nice.

    I think being cocky is feeling you have to prove something. If you’re confident you don’t have to prove anything, because it just is.

    • skw

      This is actually correct to some extent. Of course, it doesnt help someone “get confidence” though if they have nothing to base it on.

      • Parkey

        Nobody’s born with confidence. If you want it enough you can always earn it.

        • skw

          and how does one earn it in the realm of attracting women ? in most other disciplines there are books and resources in which one can expand their knowledge base.

          you may say this is one such resource, yet I can run logical loops around most of what’s said around here with one brain tied behind my back.

          • skw

            For example, in this very video, it’s stated that cockiness is “what happens when you try and fake it” and confidence is “knowing you have the skills resources to handle any situation”

            but what if you don’t know that, you’re saying it can be earned? but offer no explanation how.

            furthermore, it’s ridiculously unfair how men have to jump through all these hoops while no one ever expects women to be “confident”

          • Ding Chavez

            @Parkey”Nobody’s born with confidence. If you want it enough you can always earn it.”
            　
            　
            Parkey. Some people ARE born with confidence. Look at all the guys who have always been successful with women.
            Further, confidence can NOT be EARNED. Confidence can be given or taken away, but not earned. It is based on ones situation.
            If I walked into a room and women started throwing themselves at me, I would become more and more confident. This is because as SKW suggested, confidence must be based on something. Why would a man be confident about his dealings with women if his dealings have been substandard? If one was confident about something you have been terrible at, for who knows how many years, most people would consider that insanity.

          • Parkey

            I used to feel that way.

            If you believe that everything you want from life must be granted to you from an outside source you will never achieve what you desire. You will always be a victim.

          • Ding Chavez

            @Parkey
            “I used to feel that way.
            If you believe that everything you want from life must be granted to you from an outside source you will never achieve what you desire. You will always be a victim.”
            　
            　
            　
            Parkey. You’re putting words in my mouth. I never said EVERYTHING in life must come from an outside source.
            Many things in life can be earned. I don’t believe confidence is one of them. Why? Because one gains confidence by results one gets. It can’t work any other way.
            If you walk up to women and they respond by treating you well, it will most certainly BUILD confidence.
            If you walk up to them and they try to harm you, you will LOSE confidence.
            Why would it be built up from rejection? That would be insane.
            Parkey. This is a DISCUSSION. I have stated my reasons for believing what I believe. I’m interested in hearing EXACTLY why you believe things work the way you say they work.
            Vague statements like “I used to feel that way” and “You’ll always be a victim” doesn’t tell me what to do.
            It doesn’t tell me what you mean.
            We are all trying to learn how to make our lives better.
            Vague statements help no one.

          • Parkey

            It’s won with practice. If big results aren’t working chop it down into smaller pieces and practice those, then build up. Does work.

            It’s also a lot easier to do if you stop treating it as a life or death thing. Have fun around women.

          • Ding Chavez

            @334694c148ab8bd448841afe726c83f6:disqus
            Thanks for the reply.
            I can’t agree with the concept, but at least it isn’t as vague as it was before.
            If I wanted to have fun, I’d do something that was actually fun.
            Maybe buy an XBox.
            I treat this like what it is. A Mission.
            1). Fly behind enemy lines.
            2). Eliminate all opposition
            3). Capture Nazi Scientist
            4). Return to base.
            Missions aren’t fun. They have a purpose.
            It might be fun, if women didn’t put out so many landmines to trip over. Too worried about getting blown up to have fun.

          • Parkey

            Congratulations! You have just identified the part of your brain that stands between probably quite a sound, decent guy and having sex. You need to take those neurons outside and have them shot.

            Women only put out the land mines BECAUSE they sense you’re on a mission.

          • Ding Chavez

            Women put up land mines because they have nothing better to do than waste our time. It wasn’t always a mission to me. It became a mission after running into all the bloody landmines.

            How can it be so impossible for women to allow you to walk up and say “hello” and go from there?

            When they get serious about finding a man, they will put that BS aside and act human.

            Dating is not fun. I’m working 2 jobs, trying to get a 3rd so I can get a nice sports car. That will cut down on all the nonsense. So hopefully that car will act as my “bomb disposal unit” and put a stop to all this silliness.

          • Ding Chavez

            @Skw
            “furthermore, it’s ridiculously unfair how men have to jump through all these hoops while no one ever expects women to be “confident” “　
            　
            RIGHT!
            It is absolutely absurd that women only have to be themselves and we have to play all these stupid games and be confident and what not.
            WOMEN! Start telling men YES and you’ll get more confident men. It’s not rocket science.
            IF confidence is really all that important, you can create all the confident men you want, by not shooting guys down so much.
            If only I could just say something and give these women hourglass figures, I’d be in business.

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Great summary Parkey!

  • Alan

    I saw a great article about confidence in the paper the other day. I thought I would share;

    The good news is that you can develop it, just like
    any muscle or character trait, if you’re willing to work hard at it. The better
    news: These tips can help you strengthen your confidence. Here’s what to try:

    • Don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on your
    own achievements and ambitions, not anyone else’s. Other people will always be
    more successful than you at different stages of your life and career, and
    obsessing about them will only send your confidence plunging. Concentrate on
    identifying and improving your own unique strengths and skills.

    • Track your success. Keep a log of your accomplishments, large and
    small. Recording victories on a daily basis
    will make you feel more successful, and looking over your progress will boost
    your self esteem. In addition, reviewing your achievements should give you some
    good ideas for what to work on next.

    • Practice being assertive. Take an active role in pursuing success, no
    matter how anxious you feel. Start by visualizing situations where you feel
    nervous, and picture yourself being assertive. Make these scenarios as vivid as
    you can so you’ll be ready for them in real life. Check your body language in a mirror, and
    practice good posture and a self-assured expression. Then go out and take a few
    chances, starting with low-risk situations.
    Once you’ve survived those, you can move on to bigger personal challenges. You may be surprised by how well practice
    makes perfect.” A few more tips I’d like to

    Add:

    • Accept that failure is not the end of the world.
    Learn from your mistakes. Understand that the pursuit of perfection often
    limits your accomplishments. Many great achievements
    have been far from perfect, but were more than good enough to be proud of.

    • Step out of your comfort zone. Push yourself
    beyond your known limits, and see how successful you can be. When you realize what you can accomplish,
    your confidence soars. Your potential is unlimited. You are the only one who
    can limit it.

    • Set goals. Decide what you want to accomplish,
    both in your career and personal life. Reaching goals is a tremendous confidence
    builder. It also spurs you to set higher goals.

    • Prepare to succeed.
    Keep improving your skills and you will build confidence. Knowing that you are capable
    is central to a positive self-image. Take
    care of both your body and your mind.

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Thanks for sharing this with us Alan- there are some GREAT take home tips there on gradually building your confidence up step by step.

      And yes probably the easiest place to start is to recognise that it’s a lot easier to focus on who you are and what you’re doing than other people.

      Marni :)

  • mc

    Step 1. Take two synonyms. Step 2. Define one as positive, one as negative. The positive and negative sides of the same thing need different names to be easily differentiated.

    Ignore the words “cocky” and “confident”. Do the things identified as being good (and avoid doing those things marked as bad), and you should get good results. But being “confident” will still get plenty of people thinking you’re being “cocky”, and vice versa.

  • Marni Just Give Up

    I happened upon this site and thought “Hey, why not I’ll see what she has to say” unfortunately Marni has lived up to my expectations. Each and every “tip” that I have seen on here is a totally useless load of horse excrement. Congratulations Marni you have reinforced my opinion that men should never listen to women about attracting women. The simple fact is that confidence has virtually nothing to do with your knowledge, skills, wealth or life situation it is neuro-chemistry. That’s it. The primary driver of confidence is dopamine with adequate levels of serotonin and various other hormones and chemicals thrown in. This can be seen in the amazing confidence displayed by someone on cocaine. If you are a naturally confident person it is because you have naturally high dopamine and you don’t need Marni and her ilk. As much as anything all efforts at “dating advice” and “tips on talking to women” are piss poor attempts to instruct low dopamine people on how to mimic the behaviours of high dopamine people.

    Marni much of your advice is contradictory or blatantly wrong, sometimes both. In this instance you describe the cocky guy as the one plagued by insecurities who fakes confidence but then say he thinks he is better than you, so which is it? Is he scared and pathetic or arrogant and superior?

    And as some of the comments have pointed, many people have got amazing skills, know how awesome they are, know
    that they can back up their claims know that they, smart, funny, financially
    stable and a nice and decent person and yet they still have no confidence. This is utterly incongruous with your core assertion. SO if these guys have got all the characteristics of confidence why are they not confident and what choice do they have but to try to fake it? The simple answer is that their neurochemistry is not in the correct levels to allow them to be confident so there are only 2 ways to manage this: Chemical Supplements (Some classes of anti-depressants or dopamine agonists would be the primary “legal” options) or instruction on how to accurately “fake” confidence and exploit the psychological weaknesses of women and honey, I don’t think you can provide either one.

    To males on this site, run, run far and run fast you are wasting your time. If you must try something try one of those pick up artist things because the will at least teach you how to exploit the most vulnerable females. You may (probably will) feel like an asshole while you use their tactics and you may feel dirty if they work but if you chronically strike out with women it may be your only chance.

    Marni, please just fuck off and stop selling your snake oil