The Truth About Why Women Test Men

As a woman who has ‘tested’ men, and as a wing girl who has received tons of emails about this subject; I wanted to tell you guys the truth about one of the most common dating problems: TESTS. Or as some men like to call them “Shit Tests”.

First of all let’s define what a ‘test’ even is: a test is where a woman challenges or questions a man on his behavior. She may give you a snappy comment questioning whether you’re a player; or she may ask you to do something to ‘prove’ yourself to her.

This all sounds pretty bad: but to really understand why women test men, I want you to know a few key things about it. Firstly, I want you to stop seeing a ‘test’ as a ‘test’. I know that sounds crazy, but bear with me…

When a woman throws a test your way she’s not consciously thinking through what she’s doing: she’s not deliberately trying to be a difficult, manipulative, deceptive or a bitch. Instead, it’s usually a way for her to express her feelings of vulnerability about herself and potential attraction towards you.

A woman will unconsciously use a ‘shit test’ as a way of seeing if you’re a man who can handle her ‘shit’ when she can’t take it anymore. It stems from a subconscious desire to have that strong, masculine presence in her life: someone that will stand by her, accept her and keep her steady when the going gets tough. (Jen, Belinda and I talk about this in great detail in my program What’s Inside A Woman’s Mind. Click Here to find out more)

Rather than being a nasty surprise exam designed to catch you out: it’s a moment where a woman is showing her weakness, her vulnerabilities and insecurities. Really it’s all about her state of mind: and not your behavior.  Yes, she’s testing your attraction and commitment to her, your strength; but this is because she is feeling anxious, insecure or uncomfortable.

I’ll let you know a little secret…

Women get just as insecure and nervous as guys do: whether it’s in a relationship, or when you first approach them. We don’t mean to put great guys through the ringer, (and I get that sometimes this is what it feels like) but we’re just trying to protect ourselves.

Women don’t want to meet a guy who is a player, and that will let them down; or a guy who is ‘weak’, in that he doesn’t have that strong, masculine presence we crave to help us feel loved and secure. So when you walk up to us in a bar we panic that you may be a ‘player’ and make a thoughtless remark; and when you show your vulnerability by complying with one of our tests, or become too emotional, too fast, we question whether you have the strength to take care of us long term.

Men being weak temporarily scares us. We worry if you show yourself to be a player, or are too uncertain in yourself, that you don’t have the strength to take care of us. All women really want is a man who knows who he is, has integrity and can handle our shit when we can’t cope.

Now that doesn’t mean that you simply have to ‘man up’ and accept poor behavior on the part of women. You can be our rock, and still allow a woman to take care of you in return to. The key is to save showing your softer side until you know you’ve already demonstrated to a woman that you can be the man.

So what you don’t want to do is break down in tears on our first date- we’ll panic and not know what to do!

You also wouldn’t want to agree to buy us a drink on command before you’ve even spoken to us: we want guys that have boundaries and principles: who are ok to (calmly) be assertive towards us. This tells us that you’re a guy who has strength of character and who can take care of us.
Here are a few examples of the “Tests” you may have heard over the years:

“I’m thirsty: I can’t talk with a man until he buys me a drink”

“I wish I was hot/ young/ slim/ pretty like that waitress. She’s beautiful, don’t you think?”

“You’re far too charming. I think you must be quite the player.”

“Do you want me to tell that joke again more slowly? You’re a little slow, aren’t you?”
And here are a few guidelines that will help you confidently handle being “tested” by women:

Keep your tone of voice confident, and this isn’t being weak: this is being strong and smart. You need to understand that she’s not angry with you, even though it may look that way.

  • By not reacting negatively, but by being assured enough in yourself, that you can provide support to her.
  • By having that strength of masculine presence to resist the challenges she throws at you.
  • By seeing her catty remarks as a way of inciting sexual tension and desire in a man she’s considering as a partner.
  • By being James Bond cool, collected, and confident enough to turn her negative emotions into positive examples of your masculinity.


Here are some great examples of how you could turn around the tests she said to you, into great ways to demonstrate how attractive you are as a man:

“I was about to get you a drink, but I didn’t want you to think I wanted to get you drunk. I quite like you just like this, actually.”

“The waitress is okay (then look at her like with desire), but you’re the hottest girl here (watch her blush)”

” Of course I’m a player, just looking for the right woman to reform me (wink)”

“I guess I’ll just have to prove you wrong about how smart I am though when we have our first date next week.”

Now I know this may not make ‘tests’ feel any better to you when you’re right in the middle of one: but if you understand what’s going through a woman’s (subconscious) mind when one is going on, you’ll be better placed to deal with it.

Remember, a woman isn’t trying to give you a tough time; she’s just looking for the right man. A man who is man enough, to allow her to feel like the woman.

There are 1000′s of little things that men don’t know about women. But I guarantee if you knew them, it would put you in the top 1% of men that have their choice of women they want. I can tell every little thing you need to know about women. Including the things that women would never want you to know. Read More…






More Articles

  • JT

    Loving your work!

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Thanks JT 🙂

      • Anon

        The simple fact is, men are not that complicated, when it comes to woman and dating. Women’s test are really a reflection of there self driven ego and how sexually powerful they are. This self driven sexual female ego even believes it can “change guys sexual orientation”. It’s no wonder so many wind up with self inflicted wounds from unrealistic fantasies about their “sexual power”.
        Their is really nothing more sexy than a women who just takes care of herself and enjoys herself around a man. It’s really that simple. Cinderella is a myth.

  • SkillZDatKillz

    Seriously? Maybe the real reason why women throw these so called “shit tests” at men is because they are really nothing more than self obsessed pain in the a$$ drama queens. I can’t speak for all women but a lot of women are almost NEVER satisfied with anything a man does. They continuously try to find things that you are not good at and use that as justification to dump men. Just admit it ladies. Nothing is ever good enough for you. Maybe some of these types of ladies need a “shit” reality check!

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Hey SkillZDatKillz

      It is definitely easier in a way just to think, ‘you know what? women are just impossible. I can’t be bothered’. I get how you could end up feeling that way, but hopefully by getting a better understanding of why women behave how they do it will allow you to work otu solutions to having better dating experiences that work out. We all wish the world was different somehow but we often don’t have the power to change the way things are, what we can do though is the best to work with what we’ve got

      Marni 🙂

    • dave

      Mr. SkillZCatKillz – Great post! Admittedly, I am on the sidelines because I would NEVER be treated this way, so a life without women is headed my way. The best imagination I can put up would never have me treating someone like that, testing and probing. Somebody likes this game, but men are “playing” less and less. That flight to Manila is waiting….

  • Kevin

    What if you say…

    “Hey, I’m not gonna fall for your little test?”

  • skw

    ““Hey, I’m not gonna fall for your little test?””

    she’ll say… “you just failed it”

    “We don’t mean to put great guys through the ringer, (and I get that sometimes this is what it feels like) but we’re just trying to protect ourselves.”

    Id like for just one second, for people to imagine if a man wrote a blog post titled, “The truth about why men cheat on women” and proceeded to say, “We don’t mean to cheat on women, we’re just acting out our evolutionary impulse to spread our semen in as many women as possible” while many men say this, none of them are taken seriously, rather they’re just riddled with words like, “sexist! animal! pig!”

    This is just a thought.

    “Rather than being a nasty surprise exam designed to catch you out: it’s a moment where a woman is showing her weakness, her vulnerabilities and insecurities.”

    Here’s a crazy idea. Maybe, just maybe, instead of teaching men to ‘deal with’ these insecurities and weaknesses, maybe it’s better to teach women to not be so weak and insecure? Unless women are supposed to be weak and men are supposed to not be weak… in that case, never mind what I said.

  • skw

    “A man who is man enough, to allow her to feel like the woman.”

    Does this include me saying “you’re the woman.. go cook me dinner”

  • Mister Sneeze

    Shit Tests: A fast way for a woman to get dumped. I’m too old for that BS. Period.

    • Marni Wing Girl

      Hey Mister Sneeze

      I can see what shit tests can feel frustrating; but I have yet to meet a woman who hasn’t- when she’s feeling vulnerable and a little insecure, used one or two. It would be great if men and women were never at loggerheads but until that day it’s probably best to focus on how on both sides we can communicate better rather than trying to have unrealistic standards. I do hope you find a woman who is a little more self assured though who I’m sure would be a great fit for you

      Good luck


  • @Marni-BTW,I don’t read your blog because of some revolutionary insight you come up with(which is basic PUA insights).

    I only read your blog because you’re a sexy girl whom I know I’d have my way with sexually and via seduction.Just had to make that clear.

    And I actually gave a detailed comment yesterday on this article about shit test,but it obviously seem that you blocked my comment for whatever reasom?

    • Not seeing your post. I never delete unless they are spam. What did you write? Always open to hearing another POV.

      • skw

        ” Always open to hearing another POV.”

        unless it’s mine.

  • A_Mann

    “…So when you walk up to us in a bar we panic that you may be a ‘player’…”

    So let me get this straight – you’re in a bar to begin with, dolled up presenting an artificially enhanced image of yourself – likely with boobage on prominent display such as the lass in the photo, engaging in these bullshit mind games as a *starting point* and you’re wondering if *HE’S* a player?

    Of course funny how the result of all this “testing” is how often chicks hook up with an asshole.

    The answer to “what women want” is that there IS no answer that you can depend on. For the most part chicks are a bag of hormones and daddy issues, with a range of the moment consciousness. What they “want” changes from one ten minutes to the next.

    • Ding

      “Of course funny how the result of all this “testing” is how often chicks hook up with an asshole.”
      THANK YOU!
      That’s exactly what I was thinking. Women play these games and have these tests. The only guys that can “pass” them are the jerks they’re trying to avoid anyway.
      STOP wating our time by playing all these games and tests and crap.
      Can I just walk up and say “Hello” and we can go from there?

      • Marni Wing Girl

        I had to smile when I read your post Ding- women absolutely do not go out of their way to exploit and manipulate men… nor are women often even conscious of the fact that they’re testing a guy. ‘Testing’ is hard wired into us as a means of trying to work out who the best guy for us is. And I’m sure if women could consciously avoid dating jerks they would do: women get hurt by guy’s behavior as much as guys get hurt by women’s behavior. It takes both sides to have a little patience, and understanding, to overcome any blips we have communicating with each other.

        Marni 🙂

    • Andy Brown

      Ok, u have a point: if she’s dolled-up so temptingly in a BAR scene and yet must test that the approaching GUY isn’t a player? That’s “fishing in the wrong waters” to no avail? Usually. How do you know, though, that the bar scene isn’t her LAST resort? She may have exhausted all other search places.

      She could be, for all you know, actually a decent woman on the inside, who’s not into what “bar pigs” do, but who’s also not enough a narrow, negative judge to assume ALL bar folk are the same. Y’know, keeping options open. She probably expects that if thinking with THAT open mind is possible for HER, then so must it be for a guy, ONE decent guy, SOMEwhere.

      Sure, likelihood she’ll find one like that at a bar is just like the lottery, which winning is less likely than getting struck by lightning twice in one year. Of course I advocate neither bar nor lottery. So don’t get me wrong; she should search places other than a bar, as she’ll attract pigs there. But let’s don’t be so quick to judge.

      Get this: she doesn’t necessarily need a BAR to find a guy who understands THAT as well as SHE does. Among even guys who DON’T go to bars are some who understand THAT. Who just typed this response? And now YOU know too.

  • Δημητρης Ιωαννου

    So there we have a woman telling us that we should indulge in other women’s shit test.

    No matter what you say and do, NEVER do a favour for a girl,
    ALWAYS deny the shit test but do this with a SMILE. Smile to make it look like it was a joke

    “I’m thirsty: I can’t talk with a man until he buys me a drink”
    – I only buy drinks if the girl is my girlfriend. [SMILE]

    “I wish I was hot/ young/ slim/ pretty like that waitress. She’s beautiful, don’t you think?”
    -I hadn’t noticed her, but now that you mention it… [look your girl in a playful way and SMILE]

    “You’re far too charming. I think you must be quite the player.”
    -If I was a player you would already be my girlfriend [SMILE as it was a joke]

    “Do you want me to tell that joke again more slowly? You’re a little slow, aren’t you?”
    -I had heard it from my ex… in junior high [SMILE]

  • Annoyed

    This is absolute sexist bullshit. Why is it that EVERYTHING has to be piled on the man? Men have to be strong and masculine and yet respectful and not players. They have to be absolutely confident but not cocky. What you want is a theoretical fantasy man not a real man. Real men are flawed. Real are not always strong, Real men are not always secure about themselves. if you cant look past a guys flaws and vulnerabilities then you certainly dont deserve to be with him. Women dont have a fucking monopoly on being vulnerable you know!

    • Andy Brown

      Umm I’ve gotta ask, did she say that everything has to be piled on the man?

      “Now that doesn’t mean that you simply have to ‘man up’ and accept poor behavior on the part of women.” It appears you didn’t notice that sentence was in there. That doesn’t look like everything getting “piled on the man.” I trust Marni is being realistic, not imposing on men to be “fantasy men.” Take notice what she DID say and what she DIDN’T.

      Do you seek a woman who won’t ever put you through ANY kind of “test” to even “trust but verify”? Take care that you’re not imposing that the right woman for man would be a “theoretical fantasy woman.” Seek a realistic woman. Realism is a 2-way street.

  • Andy

    I’m not going to sugarcoat this. If we ‘tested’ you, sorry my apologies, shit tested you. (as that is what these are) all you women would be up in arms. You say she’s just looking for a man. Why do we always have to face up to your impossible standards? How would you like to be subjected to these ‘tests’ that, judging by the tone of your first sentence you gleefully inflict on men? Perhaps we should shit test you? What do you think?

    Honestly you look for a guy with strength of character do you? Well here is my one size fits all answer to shit tests. ‘I’m not playing these games, grow up.’

    Women need to stop this, eventually it will come to bite you hard. You know men talk and compare notes. We’ve had enough.

    • Jimbo

      I do test women and I tell them when they have scored a point and when they have lost a point. I even tell them point blank ‘This is a test…’

      You’d be surprised how this eradicates their tests and they jump through hoops for you. Testing them shows how secure you are, how un-needy you are and how much you ‘really’ want them when you announce happily they’ve passed the test. Never jump through female hoops, make them do it in their high heels instead.

    • Andy Brown

      Yes of course, I’d recommend doing pretty much what Jimbo does, which is test them back. Test them as much as they test you, because fair is fair.

      I think it’s a BIG error, though, to assume ALL testing is the same. It comes in various flavors and on various levels, and not all of it is abusive/manipulative. “Trust but verify” is a form that’s not abusive/manipulative. Even we’re NOT abusive or immature when WE test, I’d doubt we as men have any room to raise a stink, unless the women ARE being immature/abusive.

      How often do we men “trust but verify”? When we believe we need to, for real relationships. (Players shouldn’t need to test anyone, IMO.) Testing and enduring are both 2-way streets.

      Yes, there are some women whose “testing” we must shut down and RUN away from FAST!! Y’know, women who are users that are not good at being good friends to ppl and thus not relationship material. But women who do the occasional test aren’t ALL the same.

  • gewinnste

    Wow, disappointing. So you won’t publish my post from yesterday. Pathetic.

  • gewinnste

    In order to clarify further: I posted a comment about how the grief and feeling of humiliation and helplessness caused by the realization of having failed many of those tests and, in general, how most attractive women apparently think regarding romance, largely contributed to my hospitalization in psychiatry last year.

    Apparently, Marni here deems this kind of post inconvenient so it got removed repeated times.

    Good work.

  • sean conley

    There is a big problem with these tests and this type of approach in general. I’ll admit, as a man that has evolved through dating maturity through the years, I’ve been on both sides. I mean I’ve both failed tests and passed tests. What I began to notice early on is that I failed the tests (sometimes) given by woman I really liked and wanted to pursue a relationship with and passed the tests given by woman I just wanted to sleep with a few times. The reason behind this is that I worried that I would ruin my chances with the women I really liked, and over thought my responses, yet I didn’t care about ruining my chances with the women I just wanted to sleep with and was brimming with confidence. The confidence women were looking for by testing me was there simply because I didn’t care what they thought of me and if I was going to be rejected. Many men are like this and it explains why women get with the wrong guy and wonder “All men are the same. When am I going to find a good guy?”