Too Much Outer Game =’s BAD NEWS
If you signed for The Wing Girl Method’s newsletter filled with great tips and tools to attract women, you would have received an article that I wrote about a year ago. This article is about one of my clients that was obsessed with outer game.
Obsessed to the point where he found himself constantly losing women.
Don’t get me wrong, I love outer game.
It is fun, engaging and easy.
Usually when I am out for a night and I interact with a guy we banter, I do my dance for him, he does his dance for me and it is fun.
It only becomes an issue when there is nothing past the outer game but an empty man.
BORING, UNATTRACTIVE and NOT SEXY AT ALL.
If a man is all about outer game he is basically equivalent a magician.
A magician is there to entertain for the evening then disappear from your life but will continue to do his show night after night after night.
One of the men who signed up for The Wing Girl Methods newsletter and received the full article on Outer Game wrote me today and added his two cents in response to the article. I thought his input was a great addition and feedback that would be helpful to you.
“This is so real. i’ve lost so many women due to over gaming. and really, i think it was really out of fear. fear that if I didn’t
have her utterly captivated and laughing and if i wasn’t escalating sexually that i would lose her.
It’s funny (and a bit tragic) that when i learned these things – i became so enamored with the tools that i lost touch with my own body, my own feeling of things. and when i’d rewind i could notice that “hmm. . . that interaction felt off . . . i pushed too hard . . . i missed the transition point . . . i came across as eager and try hard.” painful to see but good to learn.
I love the banter and the flirting too. and i find it’s good to pepper it into interactions as a spice but not the whole meal.
i really am loving your stuff. thanks so much for doing it.”
What this man has said was that only working on his outer game took him so far out of his body that he was not able to enjoy the actual connections he was attempting to make.
Routines can work. They can break you into conversation but they can’t keep a person engaged for longer than an evening.
It is so important to have a balance of inner game and outer game. When you are truly balanced you will see it is not a game at all but YOU. A confident, self assured, whole YOU.
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hi marni
my name is marc and i am from Belgium(europe)
and 1 of my problem is that i dont have the belance between outer and inner game, i am 41 and not bad looking, but when i talk to a nice women after a fue minits i dont now what to say, its just that i am freesing,
somtime’s then i say stupid things, from the nervs i have
and hup see’s going away,
maybay you now some tricks to get the conversation going on,
thanks marc
Vibe Is The Goal:
Here’s the short version.
It’s all about creating the right vibe.
And sure – some ‘outer game’ can be a big help. But a lack of self awareness of how we’re coming across can (and does) botch the best ‘canned’ routines.
So, we need to become more self aware (not self conscious).
To quote Bruce Lee . . .
“To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are. Whether this being different results in dissimilation (becoming unlike) or a real change of heart, it cannot be realized without self-awareness. Yet, it is remarkable that very few people who are most self-dissatisfied, who crave most for a new identity, have the least self-awareness. They have turned away from an unwanted self and, hence, never had a good look at it. The result is that most dissatisfied people can neither dissimilate nor attain a real change of heart. They are transparent (full of agenda) and their unwanted qualities persist through all attempts at self-dramatization and self-transformation. It is the lack of self-awareness which renders us transparent. The soul that knows itself is opaque.” – Bruce Lee
* * *
A guy’s got to have a goal.
Without it he can think himself into oblivion.
And nowhere is that truer than in flirting with women.
When a fellow gets it in his mind to get better at flirting with women and starts learning the PUA material he gets very excited. But he starts learning soooo many routines, openers, ideas, lines etc. that soon he finds it hard to be present with the woman he’s talking to because
• he’s so in his head trying to remember that routine he heard the other day
• he’s trying out new behaviours which feel awkward to him and maybe a bit scary.
It’s important to know where to put your focus – especially when things are moving fast and you could spin out.
Here’s the first principle:
don’t put your effort into pursuing the girl,
put it into the things that will make you attractive to the girl.
If you pursue a girl – she will run.
So, what’s the goal when you’re flirting with a woman?
In a word: Vibe.
Most people go back and forth between two poles:
1) Getting laid. Achieving an outcome. Getting her phone number, getting a date, getting her to have sex with them. If all of your energy is bent around this you will come across as a creepy predator. She will actually be scared of you and not ever want to be alone with you. You will escalate faster than she is comfortable with and she will notice that you aren’t picking up her signals that you should stop. She won’t feel safe with you.
2) Being nice and unthreatening. Most guys strongly fear being seen as creepy, slimy or pushy or a predator. So, they go way to the other pole. Instead of focusing on the result of getting laid they become obsessed with what the woman is thinking about them. They do everything in their power to make sure that the woman sees them as nice, sweet, unthreatening, and safe. This quickly lands them in the ‘friend zone’. What’s really going on here is that they’re ashamed of being a sexual person. They don’t know how to be sexual with a woman in a way that isn’t creepy or predatory. Tactics used by nice guys: the shoulder massage (girls get so many free shoulder rubs from ‘nice guys’), listening, doing favours, driving her around, sitting far away from girls. But being non-threatening and playing it safe all the time can also be really boring for girls. Really boring. And you can’t bore a girl into liking you.
And most people settle for some muddy compromise of these two. They push and ‘game’ enough to get some reaction but are nice enough that they don’t seem like an asshole. This is the domain of the Average Frustrated Chump. They’re not 100% asexual and sweet and nice. But they still feel ashamed of their sexuality. They’re caught in the middle. And they feel very, very scared of ever approaching a woman they feel attracted to.
The key to getting over this is to let go of both of these poles entirely. You need to let go of the need to have them think you (as a person deep down) are nice and worthy. You need to know that you’re a good person. You need to create your own sense of inner worth. But you also need to let go of the need to create some predetermined outcome.
But, if you let go of those two poles, what do you focus on?
Vibe.
You keep 100% of your energy directed to creating a fun vibe.
How do you know if you’re on track? You’re both having fun.
How do you know if you’re off track? You aren’t having fun.
If you think your goal is to ‘run routine’ you’ll micro manage yourself. Sometimes in the beginning it gets worse before it gets better because you’re trying new stuff out. But the key is to keep the focus on the vibe and trust your instincts and just use what you can remember in the moment. If you’re trying to get a specific result then you will probably get into your head and think too much. Instead just focus on enjoying and creating a good vibe.
Remember, women aren’t logical creatures. Hell, PEOPLE aren’t logical period. You can’t ‘reason’ them into feeling attracted to you. They will move towards what feels good to them. You must keep your focus on how to make women feel good when they’re around you. And not even feeling good about you – feeling good about life, about themselves. They will attach those feelings to you with no effort on your part.
Something that researchers discovered about wolves was that the Alpha Male wolves were not selected based on dominance of others wolves – but on those that ‘initiated play’ best.
Become excellent at initiating play.
When it comes time to escalate, you’re focus is really all about escalating the vibe. Moving it from an attraction vibe to a comfort building vibe to a strongly sexual vibe.
If you try to logic or bully her into sexual behaviours you will get push back. But if you create a fun vibe and then escalate that into a sexual vibe she will naturally move with you into sexual behaviour and it will feel natural.
Vibe.
If you notice yourself obsessing about having sex with her, you’re like the archer who is looking at the trophy so much that he misses his target entirely.
If you notice yourself obsessed with how she feels about you and whether or not she thinks you’re a nice/good person, you’re like the archer who is watching the crowd and wondering if they think he’s arrogant and misses his target entirely.
Be aware of the audience and the trophy but keep your eye on the target.
Vibe.
The most critical piece of this whole game is VIBE. And is all about how you make people feel around you.
In fact, remember this:
vibe precedes action
If a woman isn’t attracted to you and you try to make a move, it will back fire. If the vibe is there, she’ll be receptive. Women move almost entirely based on how they’re feeling in the moment. Men do as well, but it’s especially true with women. You can’t logic or reason a woman into being attracted to you. You can’t have a conversation and find a bunch of things in common and expect that this will make her feel attracted to you.
A corollary of this is that women (and really men too) decide what to do based entirely on their feelings in THAT moment.
“And that secret comes down to the reality that if a woman isn’t ATTRACTED to a man, all of his attempts to confess his love, convince her to like him, and court her BACKFIRE. In other words, they not only DON’T WORK, they actually make things WORSE. In other words, the very things that a man does to try to make a woman LIKE HIM make her NOT like him. They make her run. All those great intentions and emotional dedication actual cause the man feeling them to do things that make her go away. It sucks.” – David DeAngelo
Just because you made out with a woman in a club last night doesn’t mean she’ll want to kiss you, see you or even (gasp!) talk with you ever again. How can that happen? How can you have sex with a woman and then she won’t return your calls? Or you made love the night before and the next day she’s cold to you.
you can’t change her mind
but you can change her mood
and that will change her mind
Remember, women act on how they are feeling in the moment. Men do as well to a great extent but it is far more true with women. The lesson here is that you can’t ever assume that the vibe will remain next time you see her. You may have to re-establish it every time you see her. If you call her and expect that she’ll be thrilled to hear from you you’ll get so far. But if you realize that you need to rebuild the vibe when you call she will open up and more will be possible.
Marc
There are no tricks there is the skill of owning who you are and becoming comfortable knowing that there is no right or wrong thing to say.
As an exercise, at home, write down 10 things you would want to say to women. Think about your last interactions with women. What WOULD you have wanted to say to them. I am sure when you got home you kicked yourself for not saying things or thought “I should have said that”. Write those things down and learn them. Have them on recall so that the next time you are stuck you can pull from them.
I am not a fan of canned material but I get that conversation is not easy for all. Therefore you need to practice and prepare like every other skill until you can own it.