What To Do If She Has A Boyfriend

I know many of you fall for women that you think you don’t stand a chance with…

And it finally dawned on me that that reason may be because of ANOTHER MAN.

Duh, THAT’S why! ;-P

One of my group coaching clients recently asked, “So I’m really into this girl… but she has a boyfriend. We haven’t DONE anything yet or even acknowledged that we’re into each other… but we flirt constantly and I think I’m really starting to fall for her… WHAT DO I DO?”

Yikes… I usually hate getting this question because the answer isn’t always what guys wanna hear…

In fact, guys NEVER wanna hear it.

The truth is, if you DO anything to try to get her, you’re automatically that scumbag trying to steal another man’s woman.

Isn’t there a Bro Code against that?

There is… and breaking it would be ground for getting your ass kicked.

Then again, NOT doing anything doesn’t take into account YOUR feelings and what you want for yourself…

How you feel is how you feel and I would never tell you that it’s wrong to want somebody.

So… what do you do?

Well, before I tell you what you should do… let me clear up what you SHOULDN’T do (and what you should immediately STOP DOING if you’re already guilty of it):

1. Don’t hang around in hopes of her changing her mind: A lot of guys will stay “friends” with the woman in hopes that she’ll eventually have an “AHA!” moment and realize that HE’S the one she should be with. This is Friend Zone territory and if you’re hanging around her like a sick puppy dog, THEN STOP IT NOW.

2. Don’t talk badly about the boyfriend/husband/other guy: This makes you look pathetic and like you’re trying to prove yourself. Putting down the man she’s involved with is insulting to HER. It also shows that you don’t respect her choice of a guy and ultimately makes you look inferior for needing to talk shit about him.

3. Don’t go out of your way to be there when he isn’t: OK, this is a tough one because while you wanna show her how much BETTER you are for her… being her White Knight when he’s not around only benefits HER; she gets to have the shitty boyfriend while still having you rescue her. Don’t fall into this role! This will only let her know that she has you to take care of her and make her feel better about herself whenever her boyfriend falls short.

OK now that we’ve got THOSE out of the way… here’s what you CAN do, if you so choose.

If you have feelings for her, honest-to-God-won’t-go-away feelings for her, you NEED to tell her.

But don’t tell her in hopes of her leaving her man for you… tell her because you wanna be open and honest about what’s going on for you.

Then (this is the part that’s gonna suck), you need to let her go.

I mean no more Friend Zone, Knight in Shining Armor bullshit.

Most men (and people in general) pine after others because they’re unable to let their true feelings out.

So it just sits and stirs inside them until eventually they go crazy.

YOU may be at that point already, and if you are, the only thing to do is let it out.

Not only will she respect you for it, she’ll most likely be faced with a realization herself, which is that she MOST LIKELY has feelings for you too… feelings that wouldn’t be there if she was TRULY happy with her current man.

But once you tell her… you MUST leave it there.

This means no demanding that she be with you, no hanging around hoping she’ll change her mind now that she knows, and DEFINITELY no trying to STEAL her.

If she likes and RESPECTS you the way you do her, she’ll leave her man before even attempting to head your way.

Find Out How To Avoid The Friend Zone Once and For All:

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 3.57.43 PMPutting it on her takes YOU out of the hot seat in having to be a “home wrecker.”

Letting her go once you let your feelings out also keeps you from becoming the “other man”… because mark my words, if she cheats on him with you… she’ll surely cheat on YOU with someone else.

So once you’ve said your peace… make sure you peace OUT.

You’ll be surprised at the weight that’s been lifted off your shoulders…

You’ll probably feel more free to meet OTHER women because you’re no longer harboring feelings for HER.

And THAT’S what women are attracted to – a man that doesn’t NEED us.

Find Out How To Ultimately Get The Girl Every Time…Without Landing In The Friend Zone:


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  • Joe Joeseph

    I’ve really criticized some other posts on this site…. so credit where credit is due. In this one you are talking good sense. I don’t know about if it gets other guys girls.. But the advice is good for other reasons than that, in general, about how to be in your life.

  • Scott Childress

    GREAT post. Every guy should read this.

  • obewokenobi

    but can she handle it, i’ll be as brief as possible. i have a friend, she’s physically a 10, everyone knows, its a fact of life. but her life was a mess, lots of abuse as a child and a messed up family story. i helped her through some tough stuff. i am 10 years older than her. she chased me i friend zoned her. in the last couple of years she has changed so much, its amazing! Now that she’s strong i see her differently. She has told my sister that she’s in love with me but is afraid. i have been been changing how a behave with her and its one step forward and occasionally two steps back. But i found out that she has had a Bf for 5 months. she said she was “kind of seeing” him but i know it’s not true. i recently found out but she still wants to be around me and come to the house about 3 times a week. I’m concerned that she will flip out if i tell her that i’m into her but then let her go. How should I approach this. she knows how i feel about lies so it feels like a red flag too. Please Help Marni, she’s a special girl who’s been crushed many times, i just want to do the right thing for her sake. thanks Marni

  • SP

    I don’t see how telling a woman you’re not even dating you have feelings for her is ever a good thing. First of all, women already generally know when a guy “friend” is into them. Second, divulging your feelings gives away your power and takes away your mystery.

    My first gf was married when I met her. I never said a word to her about my feelings, and though I suspected she knew I was into her, I played it cool and made her chase me. That worked extremely well, and after she got divorced she came at me hard. On the other hand, every time I’ve told an unavailable woman I was into her, it ended badly…it almost always made things awkward and uncomfortable between us. And that’s true for available women too…I just don’t get the need to tell a woman how you feel about her before you’re even dating her!

    Restraint is a sign of maturity, and that’s the road to go. So the better advice IMO is to NOT divulge your feelings to her and focus on other women instead. Or better yet–get yourself to the point in your life where you don’t develop feelings for unavailable women in the first place. Easier said than done, but most emotionally stable men who are good with women have their lives in good enough order that they don’t bother with women who have a bf.

    • C

      It seems this is all written in the context of if you have feelings for her that you can’t shake, then tell her. What would follow then would be your well thought out ideas of focusing on other women and better yet, not even dealing with taken women. In that context, telling her how you feel will likely relieve you of being stuck on her, and allow you to move on whether or not she follows.

      I think it’s decent advice, but I like yours much better SP…be the kind of man who doesn’t fall for unavailable women at all. When I meet a woman who has a boyfriend or husband, I move on immediately. It’s the best thing to do.

  • Mark

    Marni, you have my huge respect for this post.

    Seriously, this is the best advice ever; my respect for you stems from the fact that you don’t advise other men to try to get women to cheat on their boyfriends or husbands.

    Your remarks were right on the mark!

    • Wesley

      Apparently you didn’t read the first time she posted this about a year and a half ago where it pretty much screams the opposite.

  • KiwiGuy

    Hey Marni, all great advise and great comments from the guys… well done to all!

    I’m in this very situation… and have already done what has been suggested… long ago before reading this latest blog topic. And you know what, she has admitted… actually confessed her love for me last week. “… I love you! I really love you!” and she means it, however, won’t act on it… She’s afraid of what she might loose…? I slowly responded with, “…I know. Thank you.” and “…just look at what you’ll be getting…?” And most importantly, Kindness. Affection. Love. Respect! (She’s not getting any of that… so sad!)

    She knows I love her, and sees how-differently I treat her.. from her current partner.
    But she’s still stuck in the, I’m going to fix-this phase – and do what-ever it takes!
    And to quote Dr Phil, “… so, How’s that workin for ya?” Not-too-good, at present???

    So, just waiting for her next move… she thinks about me a lot, calls & sends emails too… weekly – but won’t make that next-step… Hangin in there, givin her space. Time will tell…?

    • Derick Peterson

      It’s been a year since you wrote this. Did anything happen?

  • stotheK

    “So once you’ve said your peace…make sure you peace OUT.”

    What is the purpose of saying of saying MY PIECE. ? Other than humiliating myself? (which seems to be a big thing you like for guys to do) Why not just say peace out ?

  • stotheK

    “which is that she MOST LIKELY has feelings for you too”

    How do you know that?

  • John

    well, in minnesota, every single woman is fat, the cold weather affords them the chance to hide behind sweatpants for 6 months a year. we have a severe drought as far as yoga pant sightings are concerned.

    • king Richard

      avoid them

    • Dave Smith

      but you have the biggest ball of twine there.

  • Andrew

    it seems almost every desirable girl in her late teens and early 20’s, or throughout their 20’s has a boyfriend already, but I guess that shouldn’t be surprising

  • Rudi Bergner

    i think im gonna kick some guy´s but…

  • steve

    Alright. This article is another hypnosis subliminal way to get men to stop acting like men. First, relationships are simple, you are either happy or your not. Second, just go for it when the time feels right even if she has a boyfriend. If she likes you shell react back. It’s natural to fight over a mate So don’t worry about the boyfriend..it’s his fault he couldn’t keep her wet. So grow some balls and quit looking at shifty articles online. Just do it. As far as predicting if shell cheat on you… mabye but that’s a chance you take with every girl you date. So go get her if you really like her. P*****

  • Jay

    What if she was already in your social circle before and you guys started to really like each other, but she recently started seeing dating. does that change anything?

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  • Varun Mehta

    I had gone through a breakup and there was this girl who although I knew from before but we really became friends after my breakup. She had helped me go through the mourning phase. She told me that she used to like me when I was with my ex, but didn’t try then. I told her that I am still trying to move on and don’t want to take ant decision hastily. I like to know people better before getting serious. So after a few days, she tells me that she asked a guy out and they started enjoying each other. Thet were really moving fast, so I told her that she should keep it slow. None the less, the guy proposed her for a relationship and she said yes. Thay had hardly met for 15 days before this. Two months passed by in their relationships and they had constant fights. She told me about her fights and even told me that she was thinking of breaking up. Even her friends were suggesting her this.
    I told her to wait for a few days. And she and I planned out a trip to a hill station. Just the two of us, since we were fed up of college. Her boyfriend knew me being her friend, so he didn’t mind. But I could see him getting jealous as the trip started getting closer. And he started treating her much better and they started spending more good time.
    Anyway, we went for the trip and it was romantic. And being close 24 hours a day for 4 days, i started developing feelings for her. I started seeing her in a different light. And almost at the end of the trip, I held her hands and told her that I think I have started having feelings for you. She quickly pushed my hand away and was clearly annoyed. She didn’t say anything though and we continued normally. The couple of days before our trip when her boyfriend started giving her a lot of attention, she really started to like him and her faith restored in their relationship. So clearly, she wasn’t interested in me anymore or even if she was, didn’t want to make it awkward for her boyfriend and her. Anyway, we came back to college all good, but ever since that it has become clearly awkward. Our friends have started linking us up after coming to know that we went out for a trip alone. I am much more popular than her boyfriend, so many people still think that she is single and so they have started talking about us which clearly would be awkward for her. She has started ignoring me and just keeps the conversation to the point and doesn’t really want to meet me. It clearly has changed after the trip. I think I even saw her and her boyfriend having a serious conversation yesterday.
    I don’t know what to do. I might have made a mistake by expressing my feelings, but I guess I do like her. She is a beautiful person and I know we are very compatible. Please help me out with what future steps I should take? The fact that she has started ignoring me is definitely increasing her attraction more and making me want her even more.