When Is It Okay To Talk Dirty To A Woman?
26. Aug, 2010 
8 Comments
When is it okay to talk dirty to a woman?
This is an area that has been fascinating me for the past week after getting an email from one of my clients, who I will refer to as D.
Email:
Marni,
Thanks for all your advice. I am having too much fun now. I wish I truly understood this side of me in my teens and twenties. Just knowing exactly what I want and what truly motivates me to pursue.
I am taking your advice on giving my dates a second chance. I didn’t know that you all (women) in general could be so wild. Now, I’m finding out even the shy/boring acting ones are too. I told this one girl I was on a second date with in so many words that her perfume smelled like an edible flower that I wanted to devour and from that point 80% of our conversation was sexual (mutually).
what is up with that?;)
D
****
D has been experimenting with flirting, banter and escalating to sexual conversations with women. And I must say, he is doing very well. What he is learning is that the less he constricts himself on what he CAN say, the more attracted, excited and open women become.
Why? Because lack of rules mixed with, being attracted and feeling safe, cause a subtle rush of excitement.
I gave D my response but wanted to dive a little deeper with other women in my network. So I sent an email out to about 200 women to ask them their thoughts on when it is okay to talk dirty to a woman, do women like to talk dirty and what did they think of D’s actions?
I got some mixed responses, which I have posted below. My commentary will be at the end:
J – (26). Truth. Once I have a few cocktails I am up for anything, especially if I am into the guy. Drunk translates to feeling relaxed and comfortable. Know what I mean?
A – (40) I’m sorry, this may not be very generous of me, but is this guy 15? He sounds totally ill-equipped to be dating grown women.
Ellen (59) – My response might be relative to how much i have had to drink. un-drunk, 2nd date, i find it creepy; unless that is what you want from the relationship, just sex. In a relationship, when you feel safe, you can have dirty/sexy talk, why not?
S – (28) That’s a pretty good line. I think it gets a response because flowers conjure up feeling of beauty, delicate-ness, a delicious-ness that every woman wants to feel & have it related to her. Therefore it is not too threatening and very sensual. I would definitely respond to it – #1 – if I was wearing a floral scented perfume (which I usually don’t, so could be viewed as a total come on line) #2 – if I was feeling some chemistry from our 1st date, I’d be open to sexually tinged conversation on the 2nd…
C – (32) – Hmmmm…. For me, I found the email to be sweet. It sounds to me like this man is exploring his natural impulses of sensuality. Rather than staying all buttoned-up tight as lots of our societal conditioning can want us to be! Personally… I’m a big fan of tapping into the more primal energies that I believe are always present… But not always accessed in our everyday modern lives. I think I would have enjoyed his question as well… IF… And this is a big IF… It came from a pure place of sensual pleasure. If it came from a creepy place, then of course it would be a different story. But I think I would have appreciated his creativity, and his risk to break outside of the dating mold. I like, what I call, a little grrrrrrrrr-rr-rr-r-rr in a conversation!
E – (30) He needs to be careful because there is a fine line between saying something to get a rise and sexual harassment. It may be rewarding if the girl is the same way.
JM – (29) If you are into him, it’s hot – not if he is a nerd. That would totally creep me out.
Marni’s Commentary:
Here are my thoughts on the topic. I truly believe that deep down inside most women crave to be released sexually BUT they want to be released in a safe and secure environment.
Let me explain. Women are more locked sexually than men because of the backlash women constantly receive for being overtly sexual. Names like whore and slut come to mind. I think for a lot of women moving past the fear of being labeled is difficult to do. I know that when I was younger I never wanted to be placed in either of those categories. Therefore I held back sexually until I was sure that the man would not take advantage of me and respected me. Sadly for me it locked me up sexually.
Fortunately I have a partner now who has been able to “unlock” me and help me really experience sex.
Now that I am more comfortable with my sexuality I would love if someone I LIKED talked to me the way D talked to his date. It’s fun, it’s exciting and it’s out of the norm. I will say that even though I am not a big drinker, a little alcohol would help me drop my inhibitions and fears and I would gladly play along.
Just note that the creepy comment comes up several times in the responses above. There is a fine line between being sexually exciting and creepy. Be careful not to cross that line. Baby steps, feel out the women you are with. She will tell you how far you can go and how comfortable she is with talking dirty.
TAKE AWAY: Women are open to being sexual, if anything they WANT to be sexual as long as they feel comfortable.
Want to hear more honest and real opinions straight from the mouths of women on sex, attraction, being approached, connecting, dating, relationships and tons more? Then Click Here.
What are your thoughts on this topic?
I would love to hear your experiences, opinions or any questions you have.
I have noticed sometimes when I talk dirty/ flirt sexually with women, some are taken aback and they do not engage, while others do. At first I thought it had something to do with what I said. But it seems to me that it just depends on how comfortable the woman is with her own sexuality.
My question for you, Marni, is:
What are some signs a guy is subtly being creepy when he is talking dirty?
I can imagine if a guy said out of the blue to a woman: ” I’d like to do you so hard right now…”, that that would be borderline creepy and send the woman running.
What are some other signs?
Thanks,
Farley
Once again my advice is baby steps. What D said to his date was a little teaser for sexuality. He put it out there to see what she would do with it. She responded favorably, so he continued and led further.
D’s comment is a subtle one. A woman can easily bounce back from a comment like that, meaning it will not totally creep her out and ruin the date. She can simply shrug off the comment to let the guy know she is comfortable with taking their conversation in that direction.
Start small, test out the waters and see what she is comfortable with.
Great article again Marni, you really do provide a great insight into the mysterious female mind!
And good advice too on how to minimize the risk of being seen as “creepy” by taking baby steps.
I must say that being seen as creepy may well be the male equivalent of being labelled a whore or slut. No man wants to be seen as a creep, such a hurtful label, and one a lot of just don’t understand. I remember once when I was a painfully shy teenager that I used to hang with these girls at a nightclub, had no idea what to say or do but one night one of them called me a creep and I carry the hurt of that – and not even knowing what I’d done wrong – to this day.
So that’s the thing that would hold a lot of us guys back from saying that sort of stuff, and I’m sure none of us would ever _try_ to say something in a creepy way, in fact if it’s even in your mind not to sound creepy perhaps that little fear and doubt in your mind might make it more likely – what do you think?
Perhaps all a guy can do is take the risk and accept that it could turn her on but it could also turn her off – as seen from your answers women are so diverse. But at the end of the day I think a guy would be more successful if he put all thoughts of whether she’ll find him creepy out of his head as this would play on his mind and affect his confidence. And we need all the confidence we can muster!
What do you think?
Mark
Mark I definitely agree. I did not realize that the term “creepy” carried so much weight with men. I also did not realize that this was an issue I need to address but I am definitely going to to try.
What you recommend is definitely the answer for combating the creepiness. But more so it’s understanding that everyone has different boundaries and one womans creep may be another womans hero! It’s all about how you process the interaction. Be proud of your actions and don’t let someone else’s discomfort beat you down or make you feel creepy.
As a tip to men I would again suggest baby steps. Test the waters with women and ease into conversations. I think men get deemed creepy when they start getting over eager and emotionally charged without good reason.
Every wonder why women authors write most all romance novels, and more romance novels are purchased by women than any other literture?
Women have put themsevles into a box…as witnessed in the responses, the two that did smile in their words are the ones you seek to enjoy life with. The others are so repressed that you should walk away..fast.
Leave them to their on personal devices.
I am enjoying another book,written by a woman,The Fine Art of Erotic Talk.. Educate yourself on the proper ways of erotic talk and it will change your life. I test it daily and find just the opposite of the responses above, 90% smile with the eyes and some will say…where did you learn to communicate like that, continue….
Not sure why one woman thought he was 15. That would be creepy. I assumed he was in his 30′s.
I like that D’s is going for it, that’s awesome, you gotta try different things to find what works for you. Pushing the envelope and stepping outside your comfort zone is great. (And it cool of you to let Marni share your email exchange so that we can comment on it. )
For me personally, I wouldn’t use this line on a second date. For one, I don’t know any flower that I would want to eat, no matter how good it smelled. Maybe he could say her perfume smells like fruit and makes him want to nibble on her. Nibble feels like an innocent sexual word. Devour feels like a bit much. Plus it rhymes with flower which makes it sound weird, like he’s a poet and he don’t know it, “….Like an edible FLOWER I want to DEVOUR, for over an HOUR, in your bed and your SHOWER, you can climb on my TOWER, etc etc.” Sorry, that was starting to sound like Pornographic Dr. Suess.
Hope it doesn’t seem like I’m giving D a hard time, I have nothing but repsect for my fellow single men who are out there trying to navigate the vast and unpredictable oceans of the female psyche. Keep us in the loop, I wanna know how your progress is coming along.
It is such an honor to have the chance to join the discussion of this great blog site! I want to extend my thanks for this.
well, nice advice and responses especially from our nobles women out there. But I have an experience, there is this my girl I have been noticing her that if I asked her to take drink, she rejected. Does she think I want to use that means to have sex with her?