I am not sure if what I am about to do it legal or not legal BUT I wanted to share an AMAZING article with you. I subscribe to psychology today and the top story in this month’s mag is “Are You With The Right Mate, What To Do When You Think It’s All A Mistake”. The article dives into our wonky perception of how we think a relationship SHOULD work. Rather than how it DOES work.
There were so many quotes from it that I wanted to share with you that I just decided to cut and paste the whole damn thing. That’s the part that I am not sure is legal. If it is, I will take it down immediately 🙂
There are a few things that I love about this article:
1. It’s so real and sometimes we need to hear real to truly understand
2. It agrees with the way that I view marriage and all relationships
3. It teaches you exactly how to set expectations and communicate without feeling needy or wimpy
Honestly gold. Please take a read. I’ve highlighted my favorite parts.
Update made March 9: Psychology contacted me and asked me to take it down. Really guys? 3 weeks? Staff is a little slow with copyright infringement 😉 Anyway, below are some key points and you can see the full article at Psychology today.
Are You with the Right Mate?
At some point in every relationship it’s natural to ask whether your partner is the right one for you. But if that’s as far as you go, you’re missing the opportunity of your life.
He thought the solution to the discontent was for her to change. But once on his own, missing the daily interaction with his daughters, he couldn’t avoid some reflection. “I didn’t want to go through this again. I asked whether there was something I could have done differently. After all, you can wait years for someone else to change.”
What he decided was, indeed, there were some things he could have done differently—like not tried as hard to be so noncontrolling that his wife felt he had abandoned decision-making entirely. His wife, he came to understand, felt frustrated, as if she were “a married single parent,” making too many of the plans and putting out many of the fires of family life, no matter how many chores he assumed.
Ultimately, he stopped blaming his wife for their problems. “You can’t change another person. You can only change yourself,” he says. “Like lots of men today,” he has since found, “I was very confused about my role as partner.” After a few post-divorce years in the mating wilderness, Katz came to realize that framing a relationship in terms of the right or wrong mate is by itself a blind alley.
“We’re given a binary model,” says New York psychotherapist Ken Page. “Right or wrong. Settle or leave. We are not given the right tools to think about relationships. People need a better set of options.”
Sooner or later, there comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it’s all a dreadful mistake, says Boston family therapist Terrence Real. It happens a few months to a few years in. “It’s an open secret of American culture that disillusionment exists. I go around the country speaking about ‘normal marital hatred.’ Not one person has ever asked what I mean by that. It’s extremely raw.”
What to do when the initial attraction sours? “I call it the first day of your real marriage,” Real says. It’s not a sign that you’ve chosen the wrong partner. It is the signal to grow as an individual—to take responsibility for your own frustrations. Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being. We all fall in love with people we think will deliver us from life’s wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us.
A new view of relationships and their discontents is emerging. We alone are responsible for having the relationship we want. And to get it, we have to dig deep into ourselves while maintaining our connections. It typically takes a dose of bravery—what Page calls “enlightened audacity.” Its brightest possibility exists, ironically, just when the passion seems most totally dead. If we fail to plumb ourselves and speak up for our deepest needs, which admittedly can be a scary prospect, life will never feel authentic, we will never see ourselves with any clarity, and everyone will always be the wrong partner.
The more you can talk and listen to women the better your relationships will be. That is the secret to making a woman want you forever!
Not sure if you’ve checked out my confidence boosting program but included in it are guidebooks to help you figure out what you want PLUS discover your values. Before I got married, I did all of these exercises and my marriage (and all relationships) are stronger because of it. Go check out the program and start getting to know yourself better now 🙂