There’s something crazy happening in the world right now. Data from the General Social Survey says that the number of men under 30… who’ve NOT had sex in over 12 months… has TRIPLED in the past decade.
But regardless, the big question is: Why is this happening? What’s causing this rise of sexless men?
Articles I’ve read suggest there are two reasons. But upon a deeper look and my personal experience coaching men… I’ve found that there’s something much bigger at play. A third factor.
In fact, in my opinion, it’s the MAIN factor… The #1 culprit, if you will… And it’s something very dangerous. Something that’s destroying men’s self-esteem and forcing them into loneliness. It’s happening as we speak. But no one is really talking about it.
For my convenience, I’m calling this little-known but dangerous third factor the “Belief Crisis”. And as you read this article, I’ll tell you what that means and how it’s hurting most men. Plus, I’ll also give my take on how men can stop being so lonely and have a better love and sex life.
First of all, let’s quickly look at what the reports and data SUGGEST about the rise of sexless men. From what I gathered, they’re saying one primary cause of male sexlessness is delayed marriage. More and more people under 30 are choosing NOT to get married – the number is higher than ever.
And unmarried people have less sex in general. This is why the sexless population is growing. The reason for this delay in marriage is education. In today’s world, more schooling is necessary for getting a good job, so people are spending more time on their education. This means marriage is getting pushed to a later age, leaving more people companionless and lonely.
Now as per the reports, the 2nd factor leading to this rise in sexlessness… is men living with their parents. Apparently, men are spending more time living with their parents… as compared to the last few decades. There could be many reasons why this is happening, but the rising cost of housing comes to mind first. As per data, it’s evident that living with parents is associated with more sexlessness.
Men living with their parents are more likely to be religious, more likely to be concerned about STDs, and more likely to face problems arranging a sexual encounter. And that’s why it seems to be another big reason for sexlessness. Now those are the two factors leading to male sexlessness according to reports I’ve read.
But as I said before, I’ve found that there’s something much bigger at play. And I believe that this is the #1 culprit behind the rise of sexless men. In fact, not only is this causing more men to have less sex… But it also has a terrible impact on men's mental health. I call it the Belief Crisis.
The Belief Crisis
Over the last decade, as I’ve coached thousands of men, one thing I’ve noticed again and again is how men’s beliefs are shifting around the topic of women and dating. More and more men are starting to believe that they’re fundamentally unattractive to women. That they cannot get an attractive woman to be with them sexually because they don’t and can’t have what women want these days.
This belief system is spreading like wildfire among men. And it has even given birth to the involuntarily celibate community… or “Incels” for short. Which in turn has morphed into movements like MGTOW… which stands for men going their own way.
I remember the first time I heard about all this. It was a few years ago. Someone in the MGTOW community invited me on a podcast. This person, at the time, was one of the leaders of the community. I didn’t know what MGTOW was or who Incels were. So I looked it up a little bit in preparation. From my limited research at the time, I found it all to be very interesting.
It seemed to me that this movement was about men choosing to prioritize themselves and their lives. Men choosing not to chase after women and look after themselves first. Sounded blissful to be honest. Little did I know what was to come. When I actually went on the podcast I was shocked and scared. I discovered that this movement wasn’t really about men focusing on their lives and going their own way… even though that’s exactly what it seems like.
It was far from it. These guys were angry and resentful. They hated women. They had a very pessimistic view of dating and relationships. And it was all too much to handle. The comments I got from guys after the podcast was filled with hate and anger. And even though I was genuinely scared at first, I could empathize with their situation. I know that hate and anger only come from pain.
And in this case, it was that painful belief that they don’t & can’t have what women want these days. That they’re unworthy. The worst part is, that I saw very quickly that this belief system was not exclusive to Incels and the MGTOW people. More and more men are adopting this belief system. More and more men are starting to think they have no chance with beautiful women because they don’t and can’t have what women want. It’s so unfortunate. And it’s not even their fault.
And although there are many things that can lead to this negative belief system… I feel the #1 culprit here is the rise of online dating and social media.
Online Dating & Social Media
The terrible effect dating apps and social media is having on men. And how it’s destroying their self-esteem and forcing them into loneliness. First, let’s look at how typical dating apps are designed. Think of the most popular ones like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge etc. On these apps, people are forced to judge each other based on a quick look at profile photos and a few lines of bio. There is no other option.
Women can’t judge you on your personality, values and behavior unless they meet you in real life. They have to judge you on what information is available to them. That means, your photos and your bio are the ultimate difference maker. The better they are, the more matches you can get. This means the guys who are conventionally attractive, photogenic and put a little effort into their bios will have the upper hand on dating apps.
Now add to this the male-to-female ratio on dating apps. Which is completely in the favor of women. Last I checked… the male-to-female ratio on Tinder, the most popular app, was around 9:1. Meaning: that for every one girl that’s using Tinder, there are around 9 guys. With this over-abundance of choice and the fact that your profile photos and bio are the ONLY difference makers…
It’s obvious why the very few conventionally attractive, highly photogenic guys with decent bios get the most matches. When other guys with not-as-good photos and bios see this happen and themselves don’t get any matches… They feel unattractive and unworthy. They begin to believe that they don’t have what women value. And women only value the superficial stuff like looks, height, money etc.
This belief is further intensified by social media… Where you’re bombarded with pictures of hot, attractive women with tall, handsome guys who have fancy cars, big mansions, private jets and designer clothing. The more you’re exposed to these kinds of imagery, the more you believe that women only want the superficial stuff. As your belief develops, something called confirmation bias kicks in.
What’s the confirmation bias? Well, in simple words, it’s our brain’s natural tendency to single out evidence and confirm what we’ve chosen to believe… even if it’s not correct or factual. Meaning, if you believe women only value superficial things in a man, your brain will single out evidence to confirm it. If you believe that you’re doomed and there’s no point in dating, your brain will show you evidence to confirm it.
For example, you might start noticing other men complain about their experiences with women, sharing horror stories about rejection, friend-zoning, cheating, etc and blaming women for being superficial. You might also look at your own life experiences and single out moments and events that confirm those beliefs. In fact, the truth is, your brain will distort your life experiences to match and support your beliefs… no matter how incorrect those beliefs are. This makes the beliefs grow stronger and stronger. They sort of build and grow by themselves.
And that’s what’s happening to the vast majority of men these days. Dating apps and social media give them the wrong perception of what women want… And then the confirmation bias makes that belief extremely strong… to the point that they feel hopeless and worthless. This hopeless attitude and lack of self-worth now lead to feelings of anxiety and insecurity… which compels guys to avoid talking to women, flirting with them, asking them out and so on. After all, what’s the point? They “know” that they can’t get the girl. That the girl is only looking for some tall, handsome, multi-millionaire. So why even try?
And because they don’t try, they don’t get. And the sexless population grows. Now, look. It’s true that some women only want that superficial stuff. They might value good looks or money or height or all these things more than anything else. But that’s a small population. If you’ve been following my channel for a while, you know that in real life, most women primarily judge men on their personality & behaviour. That’s what women are naturally wired to do. The problem is, that your beliefs might hold you back from accepting this reality. Because your beliefs, by definition, feel completely true.
Look at the belief men have about height. So many guys are totally convinced that women won’t date a guy unless he’s 6ft or more. But is that really the case? A study published by Rice University showed that 49% of women want to date a guy who’s taller than them. Now, the average height of a woman is 5’4”. The average height of a man is 5’8”. This means if you’re 5’5” or more, you’re going to have a shot with the average woman. And even if you’re not 5’5” or more, you still have the other 51% of the female population who are open to dating you.
Let’s take another belief men have about women. The belief is that women only want a rich guy. Once again this isn’t true in real life. Studies show that women are equally turned on and attracted to guys who are rich and guys who are not rich but show a high level of competence. Meaning, that if you take a multimillionaire and a guy who’s not nearly as rich but a fairly smart and capable individual, women are equally attracted to them. Money isn’t a huge difference maker.
So look, the point I’m making here is a simple one. The online world feeds men a bunch of wrong beliefs about what women want. These beliefs lead to feelings of worthlessness. Then those feelings of worthlessness compel men to avoid taking a chance with women they like. And in the end, make them lonely, resentful and sexless. This is what I call the Belief Crisis. And with social media and dating apps becoming more and more addictive, it’s really taking over the world like a pandemic.
How To Solve Belief Crisis
In my opinion, here’s what you need to do to solve the Belief Crisis. First of all, men need to stop relying on the online world to meet women. Yes, the apps are convenient and simple to use. But as we discussed, the ways things work on those apps don’t reflect what works in real life. The online world is not the reality.
Second: If you think you have no hope with women, you need to educate yourself on what women really want. The best way to do this is by experimentation. Put simply, go out and talk to more girls. Leave your preconceptions at your house. And go meet as many women as you can. Put yourself out there and just see what happens. You may be surprised to learn that you’re not so hideous and unattractive after all. That the real world truly is very different and more pleasant. That many girls are more than willing to talk to you and connect with you.
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