So here is my response to this email:
I will tell you, as a woman I feel that only a REAL man will pay for the first date, boys will offer to go dutch.
I know that tons of other male experts that scream and preach that men should not pay because they feel it sets a man up to be the cash cow for the remainder of the relationship.
I am a woman and I aggressively disagree.
If a man asks me out on a first date and then offers to go dutch or holds out for me to offer to pay, it is so over.
On that first date I want to feel like a lady and I want the man I'm with to be a gentleman.
Listen, I know that others have used this “tactic” on women and it has been successful for them. Meaning they get laid after but I will tell you why it works and when it will work and then you can decide if that is what you want to get involved in.
I do have to say that in my opinion this tactic is cruel, manipulative and usually done by an insecure man. Men that I would never want to introduce to my female friends and men that I feel should not be reading my newsletters.
From a female POV if the date is going well and she is into a guy she is thinking “This is a great guy, I am attracted to him, I want him to kiss me at the end of the night and call me for another date.”
Then when the bill comes and he asks her to throw in cash she thinks “OMG what did I do? Does he not like me? etc…” This puts the female in a very insecure space where she feels she must win him over again and therefore will do things to she wouldn't normally do to win back his approval.
Again, this is a negative space for both a man and a woman. Truth is she may sleep with you but will feel horrible about herself afterward and possibly ashamed. She won't return your calls and any future plans are lost.
Not good, especially if you were hoping to continue dating her.
I want to be clear and let you know that I am not saying you have to take a woman out to an elaborate meal and wine and dine her and then cover the whole night. What I am telling you is that a gentlemen, who asks a woman on a date, will take care of the bill and let a woman feel feminine.
When I feel feminine, I feel alive, relaxed and happy. And a man who allows me to feel feminine is my hero!
The sexiest thing is when a man plans a date, leads throughout the whole time and then says “don't worry I got it”. This is the ultimate manly thing to do! Makes me melt just thinking about it.
I will always offer and probably feel bad or uncomfortable with the man paying. But I would be very disappointed if a man expected me or made me pay on the first date.
The only time it MAY be acceptable, is when I ask a man out. This is because it was my invite and therefore my responsibility to handle the bill. But oh how sexy would be if he paid anyway!
Now of course some of you are reading this and may still be thinking “money hungry bitch”. I know you are. I have many of my clients use this term and I want to put a stop to it right now.
A situation like this has nothing to do with money… it has to do with ROLES.
Here are some other thoughts that may race through my mind if a man did not pay for a date:
Is this even a date?
Does he just want to sleep with me?
What kind of guy asks a girl on a date and then forces her to pay?
Is he a jerk?
Can he take care of me?
Can he take care of himself?
Can I count on him?
Is he gay?
Is he cheap?
Is he driven?
Is he a loser?
Again bringing out insecurity or in a stronger woman complete distaste.
When a woman expects for the first date to be taken care of by the man it's not because she is only interested in his money. It's because she is looking for a man that knows how to respect and treat a woman.
Again, in my opinion the first few dates should always be taken care of by the man.
Now having said that, a tip for men is that they should take notice of how a woman is acting during the whole bill fiasco.
Does she offer to pay or does she sit looking deserving of someone purchasing her a meal?
If the woman you are with just sits with no reaction then you are with the wrong women. She may turn out to be money hungry, a gold digger or someone that a great guy with character should not be with.
This spells trouble for the future and I would get out while you still can.
Once you are past the first few dates it means you have entered a new phase, the dating phase.
Once you are dating the rules change a little because this is when both people start to become real. Things start to get revealed on both sides. The woman you are dating may have more money than you or she may have less.
The men that I began dating in the past have been a mix. Some have more than me and some have had less and therefore we paid for things accordingly.
For example, with the men who had more than me, I would buy breakfasts and he would buy dinners. We both contributed financially in the way that we could.
The guys I dated never felt taken advantage of and I never felt that I was spending beyond my means to impress.
I would also offer to cook meals or do other things that may have not been equal to buying an expensive meal but the sentiment was there.
That is all that you really should be looking for. It has nothing to do with financials it has to do with how much effort the other person is putting in.
Before you jump to the conclusion that you are financially being taken advantage of, you have to ask yourself a couple of questions.
How much is she able to contribute and is she making efforts in other areas? No effort at all spells disaster.
If she is going to take advantage of you now she is always going to take advantage of you.
Nice girls will work with you and not take you for granted or take advantage of you.
My advice is to spend what you feel comfortable with. If you end up in a situation where you feel you are being taken advantage of financially, politely say something. Communication is respectable.
Only you can control whether or not the woman you are dating sees you as the cash cow.
It is up to you to put up boundaries, set limits and take control.