As a woman who has ‘tested' men, and as a wing girl who has received tons of emails about this subject; I wanted to tell you guys the truth about one of the most common dating problems: TESTS. Or as some men like to call them “Shit Tests”.
First of all let's define what a ‘test' even is: a test is where a woman challenges or questions a man on his behavior. She may give you a snappy comment questioning whether you're a player; or she may ask you to do something to ‘prove' yourself to her.
This all sounds pretty bad: but to really understand why women test men, I want you to know a few key things about it. Firstly, I want you to stop seeing a ‘test' as a ‘test'. I know that sounds crazy, but bear with me…
When a woman throws a test your way she's not consciously thinking through what she's doing: she's not deliberately trying to be a difficult, manipulative, deceptive or a bitch. Instead, it's usually a way for her to express her feelings of vulnerability about herself and potential attraction towards you.
A woman will unconsciously use a ‘shit test' as a way of seeing if you're a man who can handle her ‘shit' when she can't take it anymore. It stems from a subconscious desire to have that strong, masculine presence in her life: someone that will stand by her, accept her and keep her steady when the going gets tough. (Jen, Belinda and I talk about this in great detail in my program What's Inside A Woman's Mind. Click Here to find out more)
Rather than being a nasty surprise exam designed to catch you out: it's a moment where a woman is showing her weakness, her vulnerabilities and insecurities. Really it's all about her state of mind: and not your behavior. Yes, she's testing your attraction and commitment to her, your strength; but this is because she is feeling anxious, insecure or uncomfortable.
I'll let you know a little secret…
Women get just as insecure and nervous as guys do: whether it's in a relationship, or when you first approach them. We don't mean to put great guys through the ringer, (and I get that sometimes this is what it feels like) but we're just trying to protect ourselves.
Women don't want to meet a guy who is a player, and that will let them down; or a guy who is ‘weak', in that he doesn't have that strong, masculine presence we crave to help us feel loved and secure. So when you walk up to us in a bar we panic that you may be a ‘player' and make a thoughtless remark; and when you show your vulnerability by complying with one of our tests, or become too emotional, too fast, we question whether you have the strength to take care of us long term.
Men being weak temporarily scares us. We worry if you show yourself to be a player, or are too uncertain in yourself, that you don't have the strength to take care of us. All women really want is a man who knows who he is, has integrity and can handle our shit when we can't cope.
Now that doesn't mean that you simply have to ‘man up' and accept poor behavior on the part of women. You can be our rock, and still allow a woman to take care of you in return to. The key is to save showing your softer side until you know you've already demonstrated to a woman that you can be the man.
So what you don't want to do is break down in tears on our first date- we'll panic and not know what to do!
You also wouldn't want to agree to buy us a drink on command before you've even spoken to us: we want guys that have boundaries and principles: who are ok to (calmly) be assertive towards us. This tells us that you're a guy who has strength of character and who can take care of us.
Here are a few examples of the “Tests” you may have heard over the years:
“I'm thirsty: I can't talk with a man until he buys me a drink”
“I wish I was hot/ young/ slim/ pretty like that waitress. She's beautiful, don't you think?”
“You're far too charming. I think you must be quite the player.”
“Do you want me to tell that joke again more slowly? You're a little slow, aren't you?”
And here are a few guidelines that will help you confidently handle being “tested” by women:
Keep your tone of voice confident, and this isn't being weak: this is being strong and smart. You need to understand that she's not angry with you, even though it may look that way.
- By not reacting negatively, but by being assured enough in yourself, that you can provide support to her.
- By having that strength of masculine presence to resist the challenges she throws at you.
- By seeing her catty remarks as a way of inciting sexual tension and desire in a man she's considering as a partner.
- By being James Bond cool, collected, and confident enough to turn her negative emotions into positive examples of your masculinity.
Here are some great examples of how you could turn around the tests she said to you, into great ways to demonstrate how attractive you are as a man:
“I was about to get you a drink, but I didn't want you to think I wanted to get you drunk. I quite like you just like this, actually.”
“The waitress is okay (then look at her like with desire), but you're the hottest girl here (watch her blush)”
” Of course I'm a player, just looking for the right woman to reform me (wink)”
“I guess I'll just have to prove you wrong about how smart I am though when we have our first date next week.”
Now I know this may not make ‘tests' feel any better to you when you're right in the middle of one: but if you understand what's going through a woman's (subconscious) mind when one is going on, you'll be better placed to deal with it.
Remember, a woman isn't trying to give you a tough time; she's just looking for the right man. A man who is man enough, to allow her to feel like the woman.
There are 1000′s of little things that men don't know about women. But I guarantee if you knew them, it would put you in the top 1% of men that have their choice of women they want. I can tell every little thing you need to know about women. Including the things that women would never want you to know. Read More…