Have you ever been hanging out with a girl… even one you are not dating, but hoping to one day date… and she brings up her ex?? And you wonder to yourself “why the hell is she bringing up another dude?”
Well, you are not alone.
I got an email yesterday from Brian asking me why women do this. I've shared his email to me below as well as my response. I'm pretty sure you'll be surprised with my response because the reason women bring up their ex's is NOT for the reason you think.
Here's Brian's email:
“Marni, I've been dating this girl for about a month now and she keeps bringing up her ex. Why is she doing this? Is she trying to test me or something? And if so, how do I pass this test? Help me please. I really like this girl and don't want to mess it up.” – Brian
First and foremost, let's eliminate the fear of being tested.
I'm not a fan of the word testing as it insinuates that women are maliciously planning out situations that will trap the men in their lives.
99.9% of women are not this calculated nor do they test for sport.
The reason that women talk about their ex's is the same reason they talk about their jobs, their friends, their reality TV obsessions….
they talk about these things to CONNECT and share about who they are. They also hope that you reciprocate so that they can get to know about you and see if you guys connect.
Details about past relationships can give a woman a LOT of information about who you are as a partner.
And the way you talk about past relationships can also tell them a lot about you.
I remember when I first started dating one of my long term boyfriends, I always talked about my ex's.
I used my ex's to share information about what I like, what I don't like, what turns me off and what turns me on!
Using my ex to share information was way less scary than coming straight out and saying what I wanted and didn’t want.
I remember getting sooooo mad when he wouldn't open up at all about his ex.
In typical female form, I did not simply ask him “why don't you want to talk about your ex?” I simply continued talking about mine in the hopes that he would follow my lead and start talking.
BUT that never happened, until one day he said “I really don't want to hear about your ex's anymore. I really don't want to picture you with another dude.”
That was a big moment for me because I suddenly got a better understanding of men and how different they are from us women.
He didn't want to picture me with another man and all I wanted was to picture him hating his ex and thinking I was so much better than her, ha.
I also wanted to know where she failed and I could thrive.
This opened up a big conversation for us and I told him that the reason I was sharing so much about my ex was so that he could learn stuff about me and the way I am in relationships.
I also told him that I wanted to hear about his ex and what went wrong.
I wanted him to share his past with me so I could get a better understanding of who he was. Get closer and more connected.
And that's when he said something magical to me that I advise you to say if and when your ex's ever come up… he said “I'll give you 3 questions to ask about my ex. I'll be open and truthful. But after the 3, we move onto talking about things that are more fun”…. and then he said something super dirty and kinky that I loved but won't repeat 😉
Brian, the fact that this girl is asking about your ex's is a great sign. Compare it to applying for a job.
If they call you in for the interview and ask you about your past job experiences it means they are interested in you and want to know more.
They're not asking to test you. They're asking to find out more about you and see if you are a fit for the job.
Use this as an opportunity to let her in a little. Tell her a few things about your ex's and she'll feel more connected to you.
No more freaking out. You're in! She wants to know more and she wants to share with you. CONNECTION.
The girl in Brian's life just wants to feel closer to him.
If you find yourself in this situation. Don't freeze up and think you're on the chopping block. She's just making an attempt to let you in on who she is and is hoping to find out more about you.
Give her a little about your past and it will make her feel more solid about your future.
I’m the first to admit that we women can be very confusing. I’m a woman and I confuse myself every day 😉
I don’t want you wasting your time decoding women speak and falling flat on your face.
That’s why I made The Chicktionary for you. The Chicktionary is a complete manual that decodes the most puzzling, perplexing and baffling female behaviors.
No more being confused by the hidden meaning behind what women say and do.