One question men often ask me is how to know if a woman is “playing him” or not. Now this could mean financially, emotionally, or anything else where she’s taking advantage of you. And while I won’t say women NEVER play men (because they do — and I’ll share a story on this later in the email)… Most of the time the guy has it backwards: The woman didn’t play him. He played himself. Let me explain what I mean with an example from a client, James:
While overseas on vacation, James met a woman who was part of a group he befriended. And while the two of them had some nice chats and got on well, nothing romantic or sexual happened… nor was it discussed. Back home, James was texting this woman and asked her to come visit his country. She said she couldn’t afford to come over. So James offered to pay for her flight.
Fast forward to the end of the trip, and after she didn’t hook up with him, James felt like she played him good.
Now, here’s where the problem lies:
In James’s mind, when she agreed to come visit him, she also implicitly agreed to sex. But that only existed in his head. Because in the real world, he hadn’t properly communicated his sexual interest to her… Which means she thought she was flying overseas to go visit a FRIEND… Not a guy who thought the plane ticket was downpayment to get into her pants!
As a result, the trip wasn’t what either of them had in mind, leaving both disappointed. And to be clear, I’m not saying James is a bad guy for this. He just assumed her interest in him was sexual… because that’s how he felt about her. Many guys are similarly guilty of this same mistake.
This is particularly common with the “nice guy”. He doesn’t want to risk saying or doing anything offensive, so he hides his sexual interest. And because he’s simply being pleasant and harmless, a woman will often be nice in return.
And the nice guy thinks, Oh, she’s paying me attention and being nice to me… I guess that means she’s attracted to me. Nope. It doesn’t mean that at all.
But because he now has that expectation in his head… he gets upset or mad when she ultimately winds up not sleeping with him. He feels like she led him on. That he got played. When in reality, he created that situation himself… by suppressing his genuine and authentic masculine desire for her.
So, hopefully you now realize that most of the time women aren’t trying to play you… And yes, I said MOST of the time… because in rare cases, that’s exactly what’s happening. Let me share the story I hinted at earlier, so you can see the difference.
Here’s what happened:
A woman in England invited a Tinder match out to dinner. She ordered the lobster and expensive bottle of wine for herself, racking up a bill of almost $150. And she expected her date — a student — to pay for the both of them, even though his bill was only $20. (He refused, in case you’re wondering.)
This type of situation is totally different, where she clearly was trying to play him for a free meal. She took the initiative to invite him out to dinner… and then ordered the most expensive items on the menu. That’s completely different to a woman accepting something that you offer her.
By the way, if you want to avoid awkward situations like in that restaurant example… Don’t allow yourself to be in a position where that can happen.
Choose a place for a first meeting that you wouldn’t freak out if you had to pay for your date e.g. a lounge bar, a coffee, or even a free activity like a museum or gallery. If she insists on an expensive restaurant (which is rare, I don’t know any women who do this), you might want to move on to someone else.
But you know what the surest way is to guarantee you never get played?
Trust me, when we see that you ARE this rare man that we dream about… There’s no way in hell we’re going to lead you on… Because the only place we’ll want to lead you is to the bedroom.
The last female friend you’ll ever need,